Why do you diet?

You diet because you have a goal, right? You have an impetus, a reason to change. Perhaps you want increased energy to help you keep up with your kids. Maybe you want help with shedding that freshman fifteen that turned into thirty when you graduated to an office and a desk and eight hours of sitting around moving nothing but your fingers. Or maybe you simply feel the need to adopt healthy eating habits in an effort to stymie the effects of Old Man Time. These are excellent reasons to go on a diet, grounded as they are in the ultimate belief that a healthy body leads to a healthy (and happy) life.

But these are not my reasons.

Why do I diet? Sure, I could sit here and give you some mumbo jumbo about health and wellness and all other sorts of hoohaa, but I’d prefer instead to be bluntly and brutally honest. I diet because I want a Hot Man.

Are you still there?

I am a woman. I am a woman in the midst of her sexual prime. I am also overweight. Pleasantly plump. Full-figured. Curvy. Call it what you want, but it means there is plenty of me to spare. It also means that for this woman in the midst of her sexual prime who happens to be pleasantly curvy and living in Los Angeles (a fact that is important for various and sundry reasons that will be illuminated in future entries, I promise), there are not enough Hot Men in my life. And that’s a problem.

But I have found a solution - a revolutionary weight loss program called Hot Man Diet!

How does it work? It is easy! Whenever you are faced with a food choice simply ask yourself, “Will eating this help me get a Hot Man?” If the answer is no, don’t eat it!

Scoff if you will, but trust me. Even if weight has been a lifelong issue, Hot Man Diet can (and will) work. It is a diet based solely on inspiration. Glorious, gorgeous, necessary inspiration. And for the first time ever you needn’t provide this inspiration yourself. You will find it elsewhere. You will find it in all of the lovely Hot Men that populate this earth. Let their handsome outsides be the light at the end of your tunnel. Let their muscled, toned exterior help you achieve the same. To hell with meetings and weigh-ins and measuring and no this and no that…Hot Man Diet is here to save you from yourself! Take a turn for the shallow and start looking for a few Hot Men!

I mean, look at this:

Daniel Craig in all his glory…why eat when there is such a man? That he exists, somewhere out there in the world, is enough to make me listen to all the bastards who tell me to eat 3-5 servings of vegetables a day, who insist that my constant desire for margaritas with chips and salsa be curbed (NOTE - I say curbed and not eliminated!).

And then there is this:

Derek Jeter, Hotness personified, perfection in pinstripes. Yeah, I think I could stand to have that salad with the dressing on the side, please!

Clooney! Aaah, I can’t take it. It’s time for a 45 minute power walk and an assload of crunches!

I’m done with cake and pizza and beer, glorious beer…these Hot Men are worth working for. I call these three my Original Trifecta of Hotness, and they will be my guiding light along this healthy trek, along with many other Hot Men who will be guest stars in my weight loss odyssey. Join me, won’t you, as I take on a lifetime of poor food choices and unhealthy habits so that someday I can call one of these Hot Men my own! I’ll be here every Monday to let you know how I’m doing. I’ll also check in throughout the week when inspiration (in the form of a Hot Man, natch) strikes. I’ve got a long way to go, but with Hot Man Diet on my side, I’ll make it!

See you next week…