Jan 26

Weekly Hot-o-Meter Reading: oh hell no, hell NO am I weighing in this week, I mean it’s already Tuesday and I’m already a day late and probably also a dollar short and most definitely, most DEFINITELY a pound or two up and you wanna know why, you wanna know why, why I’ll tell you why, I went on vacation, that’s why, I went on a freaking vacation to the freaking mountains, to freaking Big Bear this past weekend, THIS past weekend of all weekends this past weekend, perfectly timed, PERFECTLY, because this past weekend saw the tail end of Big Bear receiving, like, the most snow EVER, okay not EVER but the most snow it’s had in 40 years or something like that and while it is the mountain, the freaking mountain, it’s still freaking Southern California and Southern California does not, DOES NOT, know how to handle the snow, even the rain does us in, the rain, oh the rain last week was just miserable, my dog, my pup, he hates the rain and we fought, oh but we fought like cats and dogs, well because he IS a dog, and he stinks, he’s all smelly puppy smelly from a week’s worth of coming in and out of the rain and he’s sitting beside me right now, right now when I’m a day late and probably also a dollar short, and he’s camped in front of my heater, his canine funk wafting through my Hot Mess of a Hot House, this house that is NOT of mirth, oh no this house is not of mirth, not right now…

…’cause I’m SILENT, I’ve lost my voice!, kids I am bereft of sound, my throat is a burning ring of fire, my body aches and my nose is all kinds of stopped up, thank goodness otherwise I would smell what I am sure is my own funk co-mingling with the very funky puppy smells wafting through this Hot Mess of a Hot House, just as I am sure that impending health will bring with it a belated embarassment over my appearance in the world lo these past 48 hours while out walking said funky puppy…ugh…

…and I’m sick because of the freaking mountains, because of freaking Big Bear and it’s big piles of snow and that trip, that long, long, looooong day’s journey into night, that freaking odyssey up that freaking mountain that had us in the car for 15 HOURS (!!), that plopped us into a cabin that had NO ELECTRICITY (!!!!!), that trip that left me sick and getting sicker, what the hell Tylenol work, dammit, WORK (!!!!!!!!!!!!), that trip I am SURE left me with some extra The Hurt Lockerpoundage because when you are in your hell and you realize it has indeed frozen over, you need/want/crave one thing and one thing only - ALCOHOL (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), say it with me A-L-C-O-H-O-L, you need it, want it, crave it because it makes you forget, forget the time in the car, forget the icy numbness haunting your extremities, forget that at that very moment Los Angeles proper is having one of the most beautiful weekends it’s had all year, you forget all of that and you hang with your friends and you walk in the snow and you are able, you are finally able to see it and take it all in because it is breathtaking, it is beautiful…

…and you leave the cold with a cold and you deal, you just deal, and you stay home and bundle up and while you pray for the Tylenol to work, dammit, WORK (!!), you cuddle with your funky puppy and you eat the warm soup that your warm friends brought you and you watch The Hot Locker, I mean you watch the Hot Men in The Hurt Locker and you take it all in because they are breathtaking, they are beautiful…

…and you wonder what in the hell it was that made you decide to go back, BACK, to Big Bear this coming weekend…



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