Week 93:  up 2 pounds (-64.0 pounds total!)

Hola people!  Man, oh man…I’m up two pounds, kids.  That’s three in the past two weeks.  Oy!  You’d think I’d have one foot on the ledge and yet…not so much.  I’m happy as hell!  Not happy with my results, of course, but whereas six months ago these extra pounds would have found me in all kinds of bad spirits and damning moods, today I remain calm, cool and collected.  I messed up.  Simple as that.  I have been lax.  Discipline has flown the coop.  So today I begin anew, clear mind, steady heart, trying, trying, trying…always trying…

I know, I know…you guys are probably wondering who took Her Hotness and replaced her with the (relatively) sane, (reasonably) easygoing person who writes you today.  Right?  You’re expecting an expletive laden series of “it’s not fair!”s and “why, God, why!“s and “I’ll cut you, I’m totally cereal, I will effing cut you!“s (the latter is vintage Her Hotness at a Yankees game).  And I’ve had all kinds of a-ha moments this week, moments that mere months ago would have triggered a margarita-fueled existential crisis.  My skin is mad at me, absolutely furious with the crap it’s had to deal with these past few weeks.  So we’re fighting like cats and dogs.  The calendar and I are also in the midst of a minor battle, as I came to the horrific realization that HMD’s 2 year anniversary - 2 YEARS!! - was approaching wayyyyy too quickly for my liking (eight weeks, kids, only eight weeks away!).  And I tried on a dress I bought last year, the first beautiful party dress I ever purchased for myself, and dare I say it looked worse on me than it did ten months ago?  I was expecting to have to take it in…but no…someone please tell me that linen shrinks when dry cleaned…please…it does, right? 

And yet, here I am.  No major emotional outbursts.  No cocktails (yet).  No hating myself, no hating food, no hating the people who make the food, no hating the people who eat the food.  I’m not a hater.  I’m a lover.  Finally.  I’m a lover who is being whisked off on a weekend cruise to Mexico by her Real Life Hot Man!  And so this morning does not find me all woeful and teary and pissed…instead I’m wondering if I should pack the sexy underwear or the really sexy underwear (obvious answer: BOTH!).  I’m debating how many purses constitute too many for a 3 day trip (obvious answer: 10!).  And, in the back of my head, I’m making the slightest of changes, the mildest of alterations.  I’m trying to bridge the gap between the old, high-strung, must change now! me and this new, it’s all good, rather chill me.  Trying to find some middle ground that peacefully marries the best qualities of the two.  Discipline and drive co-mingled with tranquil self-love.  Does it exist?  Can it happen?  Will I be a chicken of the sea or a glorious water nymph?

Guess you’ll have to check in next week to find out. 

I’m off like a prom dress!  Have a great weekend, kids!  Bon Voyage!

Week 94: um, yeah…um…keep reading…

Good morning on this Good Friday!  Whattup kids?  How’s everyone doing?  Many of you are off like a prom dress, aren’t ya?  Color me jealous, for I gotsta work as usual.  My cruise was awesome, SO much fun, SO much sun, just one helluva good time, good time.  Apart from a few hours lost to Montezuma’s revenge I returned unscathed and even more deeply in like with my RLHM (Real Life Hot Man).  I believe the tequila has finally exited my bloodstream, yet I remain convinced that life is a continuous all-you-can-eat buffet.  Very problematic.  My Secret Weapon will be pissed.  I’m seeing her tonight for the first time in over a week.  Pray for me.

The good news - I’m gonna let you good kids go and enjoy your Good Friday off with a promise I’ll make good on, a promise to see ya’ll here this Monday morning (!) with a damn good installment of Hot Man Diet Requests and Dedications (complete with weigh in, natch).  It’s soooo time for one, ‘taint it?  I myself am in major need of some fresh Manspiration.  The jeans are getting tight, and I feel myself holding a meltdown at bay.  My only saving grace?  The Mantastic cardio that is sex…ahhh, sex…

Anyhoo, have a GREAT weekend and REMEMBER to forego all that Easter candy in favor of some Monday morning Mancandy!  It’ll melt in your mouth AND in your hands!!  Word!!

Week 96:  down 0 pounds (-64.0 pounds total!)

Whattup kids?

How ya’ll doing?

Anything new?

I KNOW!  I know.  I know. 

Not only did I fail to bring a promised Hot Man Diet Requests and Dedications, but I skipped a week entirely.  I just…skipped a week.  I didn’t write.  I didn’t check in.  I didn’t weigh in.  I didn’t even log onto my effing computer.  I know! 

Did you miss me?

I’m cereal, did you?  Because I totally missed you guys!!  I was all, hmm something feels weird, like I’m supposed to be doing something right now or talking to someone right now or meeting with someone, someone I meet with on a regular basis, and I feel like I’m missing something and there’s a little hurt in my heart where something is noticeably absent and maybe it’s because every Friday I’m supposed to, ooh wait, there’s my boyfriend, my boyfriend is here, off computer I must go smooch my boyfriend, spend time with my boyfriend, not think about anything except my boyfriend…

Yep.  You heard me.  B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D.  It’s official.  Woooo hooooo!!!!!!!!! 

And so THAT is why I missed ya’ll last week.  THAT is why your HMD R & D is still forthcoming instead of forthcame.  THAT is my excuse.  Is it enough?  Can you forgive me one more time?  Please?  Pretty please with Splenda on top?

‘Cause the truth of the matter is I still need you kids.  In many ways I need you now more than ever.  I’ve been blathering on for the last few weeks about how I’m Manstracted instead of Manspired, and the sitch continues unabated.  I now find myself on the receiving end of a schedule that is so chock full of stuff that I’m starting to implode.  I’ve committed myself to so much that I am ready to commit myself!  Time feels like a commodity more precious than oil, and I am but a mere pauper, sorely lacking, lacking, lacking any bit of it.  Help me, kids!!  I’m sure ya’ll are some multi-tasking mo fos…help me navigate this strange new world.  I’m totally cereal…this is my task over the next few weeks.  Because life doesn’t ever get smaller, does it?  Hells no!  We want it to keep growing, because that growth spells adventure and challenge and, well, growth.  And we don’t ever stop welcoming new people into our world, do we?  Hells no!  We want to expand the circle of quality peeps for as long as we can, because these people bring us love and comfort and good times, good times.  

Wonderful things are happening for me right now, and I would never, EVER, wish them away.  I just need to stop allowing them to stress me out so much I end up with a tension headache.  I need to take the pressure off myself to be perfect.  I need to breathe.  I need to relax.  I need to enjoy.  I need to work hard, I need to stay focused.  But I also just need to enjoy.  Manjoy.  Enjoy.   

(This whole happiness thing is hard!)

I’ll see you guys next week and EVERY Friday following.  I missed you, I honestly did!  Keep in touch, give me a holler when you can.  Your comments mean more to me than I can say.  Fight the good fight!  Enjoy!  Manjoy!  Enjoy!

Hot Manspiration of the Week:  The Office is one of my fave shows on tv, but I’ve missed a ton of episodes this year.  Imagine my surprise when I excitedly tune in last night and see a MAJOR HOT BLACK MAN mixed in with my weekly dose of Pam and Jim!  Holy crap!  Where the hell did he come from?  Please tell me he’s staying, because even though his character is kind of a prick that dude is HHHHOOOTTTTT!!!!  Then I realize it’s the same smoking Hot dude in that new Beyonce movie that’s coming out, the one with white chick/black chick action.  (What?  Oh, they’re fighting in the movie, not making out?  Have we seen the same commercials, ’cause it looks an awful lot like some nerd writer’s wet dream come to life?  Whatever.  There’s Hotness in the middle of it, so you can bet you’re ass I’ll be the first in line…to rent it)  His name:  Idris Elba.  His hometown:  London.  So help me god if I discover that there is an accent to go along with all that yummy goodness I will FREAK OUT!  Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap!!!!

(See…boyfriend or no, I can still sniff out some serious Mancandy!)

Have a great weekend!  See you next week!