Week 90:  up 1.5 pounds (-64.5 pounds total!) 

Good morning, good morning, good morning!!  My beauties, my lovelies…THANK YOU!  You guys, I swear…you guys made my very special birthday HMD very special indeed…it was my most viewed entry EVER!!  In one day - one day - www.hotmandiet.com received over 11,000 hits!!!  Now I don’t know how that stacks up with other sites in terms of daily traffic, but it easily bested a previous HMD best by almost tenfold.  Holy crap!  How am I not making money off you kids?  How does Oprah not know about us yet?  Why is this revolution not televised?!?!?!?

So how do I repay you?  How do I reward you for your generosity and overwhelming displays of goodwill?  By disappearing.  By turning a blind eye to my bright, shining stars.  For shame, Her Hotness, for shame.  I keep doing this to you kids, huh?  Forgive me, please forgive me.  Life just got in the way.  Life just took over.  Life…and a boy…

OH NO SHE DIDN’T!!

Oh yes I did.  Hells yes I did.  Wouldn’t you?  Walk in my flip flops for a moment and see if you feel me…what if your mom was getting so anxious about the grandbabies that weren’t coming that she bought you a Match.com subscription as a part of your Christmas gift (The other part - a bra…Talent and Ambition are a demanding and expensive pair)…and what if that trepidatious foray into the brave new world of internet dating only left you feeling dazed and confused (Feeling good about yourself?  Have an ego that needs checking?  Join Match.  That’ll take you down a peg or ten.  It sucks.  It sucks.  It sucks.  Okay, I’ll admit there were a few brief bright spots, but mostly it just sucked because it sucks, sucks, sucks…sorry Mom!)…and what if during that time, that time when you were horrified to learn you only attract the elderly or the indigent or the psychotic (or the handicapped, but that’s a whole ‘nother story), what if during that time a friend of yours sets you up on a kinda sorta blind date (my first set up ever!)…and what if you and the kinda sorta blind date kinda sorta hit it off…and what if thus far he did all the rights things and said all the right things and just was all the right things and you were super excited to see how this all might play out…and what if this boy, through equal parts generosity, politeness, terror and wait-what-EXACTLY-is-this-blog-about-ness, promised you that he would never read it (save for the five best entries that you will show him at some later date so that he can get a taste of just how fabulous you are), thus leaving you free to share, uncensored, the story of this kinda sorta wonderful, amazing, fantastic new thing that’s come into your life…what if all of this happened to you?  Would you rather sit in front of a computer to write about some far away, fantasy Hot Man or would you rather have an actual Hot Man cook you dinner, a smack-yo-mama good dinner, and yes there was probably an entire stick of butter in that sauce that went over that smoked salmon but who cares who cares who cares, he’s smart and kind and good people AND he makes a killer beurre blanc sauce…holy crap!…which would you rather do?

I thought so.

Hot Manspirations of the Week:  That being said, mama still needs herself some Mancandy.  I need it big time.  I am bewitched, bothered and bewildered…so out of focus and off schedule…I need to be Manspired!!  

I’m pulling off a major coup d’Hot - three men, three accents, three Mantastic reasons to work it, work it, work it!  All have been here before, but who cares?  This is NO time for newbies…there’s some serious shit to do!  Clive Owen - Mantacular!  Gavin Rossdale - Manjoyment!  And Gerard, oh Gerard…can I call you Gerry?   Gerry, Gerry, Gerry…ya should have been in my birthday HMD…you’re the adjunct fourth member of the Original Trifecta of Hotness and I totally forsook you…you should punish me…maybe a spanking… 

Week 91: down 1.5 pounds (-66 pounds total!)

Hey you guys!  How are y’all?  Hope your Monday treated you well.  So sorry to be joining our party a smidge late.  But more on that later…

Kids, I am distracted.  I’m distracted!  I’m Manstracted.  (Does that work - Manstracted?  Lemme know what you think.)  I’m Manstracted/distracted.  In all the time I’ve spent talking about all the changes I was making/have made/need to make, I never actually considered how life might work once my own Hot Man was part of the equation.  I now have the answer - it’s hard!  Really hard!  I mean, it’s also great amazing fantastic delirious incredible ohmygod head spinning holy cannoli holy crap holy batman wholly wonderful wonderful wonderful…and wholly engrossing.  Ay, there’s the rub.

My life has been upended.  Kids, I’m a hot mess.  I didn’t even think about this part of the equation…I have no contigency plan!  So here I am, all out of sorts, off schedule and with my mind on everything BUT the diet part of Hot Man Diet.  Eeeck!  What’s a gal to do?  How does a gal cope?  I mean, I want to enjoy the living shit out of this new addition to my world, this lovely gent who is perfectly content with me as I am.  And yet, “as I am” is still NOT good enough for me…we’ve not reached Oz yet, have we kids?  We’ve got the brains, we’ve finally picked up the heart (oh, and how strong it beats!), but the nerve, the courage, the seethisthingthroughtothebittergloriousend-ness…that still eludes us.  What to do?  How do you stick to the yellow brick road when a real life Hot Man has set up one damn fine looking picnic in that field o’er yonder? 

You change.  Aaagh, that freaking C-word!  Here ’tis again!  Change.  Change is good.  This change is great.  It’s effing Mantastic!  So why not let that change propel others?  Gotta keep my head on my shoulders, gotta stay focused, gotta keep moving, gotta keep healthy…gotta think outside the box.  This is too lovely to mess up by sticking my head up my arse.  So here goes…

**** MAJOR CHANGE ALERT ***

HOT MAN DIET IS MOVING!!

Kids, clearly this Monday morning thing ain’t working for us.  I hate feeling like I’ve let you down when I’m late with my Weekly Speak, so I’m just going to do my Weekly Speak on a different day.  (Such a simple solution really, why didn’t I think of this sooner?)  From now on, think of me as your pre-weekend shot of Hotness - TGIHMDF.  Thank God It’s Hot Man Diet FRIDAY!!!  Yup, I’m gonna get us all properly Manspired before the weekend hits.  And I’m starting this Friday!  So come back and check me out…the Hotness is changing…but it is ALL for the better…wooo hooo!!!!!

That being said, I cannot let you leave without a lil’ piece of Mancandy…chew on this: apparently the fourth(?), fifth(?), hundreth(?) installment of the ridiculously unnecessary Fast and Furious series is hitting theaters soon.  I drove by a billboard the other day, and after wondering why in the hell they were continuing to make this crap I had another, far more appropriate response:

YES!  He’s baaaaaaaaaaaacccccckkkk!!!!

Week 91 (cont’d)…

Welcome to Hot Man Diet’s new home!!  Fridays rock!  Fridays are the best!  Fridays will rule your world, shake you to the core, make you their bitch and leave you panting, yes, panting for MORE!!  You will sit in breathless, eager Manticipation all week, counting down the days, ticking off the minutes, sweating through each second until that bliss, that sweet, sweet bliss that is the first day of the weekend/last day of the work week.  You thought you loved Fridays before…you ain’t seen NOTHING yet…TGIF?  TGIHMDF!!!

Word!

I only got one question to axe you kids - how you feeling?

Hot, Hot, Hot!!

Umm…maybe you didn’t hear me.  Let me axe you again.  How you feeling?

Hot, Hot, Hot!!!!!

That’s all ya’ll got?!  What the eff?  Where my party people at?  I said - HOW YOU FEELING??!?!

HOT, HOT, HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who are we?  We are Hot Man Dieteers, the loyal, the proud, the Hot!

What do we need?  We need Hot Manspiration, glorious Hot Manspiration!

Why do we need it?  Because nothing tastes as good as a Hot Man feels!

So what the hell are we waiting for?!  Get out there, be healthy, be active, love yourself, love others, keep in the good, let out the bad and always, always, always remember that Her Hotness adores you!!  Talent and Ambition adore you!!  My Secret Weapon adores you!!  We can do this!!  Have a Mantastic week! 

I’ll see you next Friday, same bat time, same bat place.  Word.

Week 92: up 1 pound (-65 pounds total!)

Good morning!  How ya’ll doing?  This Friday thing is new and weird and interesting, huh?  I’m still getting used to it…but I like it!

Kids, I’m kinda surprised by today’s weigh-in results.  I expected things to be worse, so much worse.  Why?  Aw jeesh, I continue to be Manstracted up the wazoo!  I would have never, ever thought of myself as a creature of habit, yet I find myself thrown by this new (still wonderful, glorious and amazing!) curveball.  I am all out of sorts and resorting to baaaaad habits.  I’ve made sweet, sweet love to vending machines and meatloaf sandwiches.  I’ve inhaled everything and kept track of nothing.  For shame!  How could Her Hotness let her Hotness be this negatively affected by the Hotness that wants Her Hotness?!  Did you follow that?  Yeah, neither did I.  Fridays are hard!

Hold on one second guys - coffee break - ummmmm - aw yeah - ummmmmmmm…

Anyhoo, I came to a Major Realization yesterday - I have a fear of success.  Yup.  I’m afraid of getting the very things my heart so desperately desires.  I allow myself to get close enough to see the potential - even here, on HMD, I’ve been thisclose to a Major Goal for five months…FIVE MOTHEREFFING MONTHS…yet I fail to make it happen.  I have no idea why.  Any therapists in the hizzy that want to help a sistah out?  Because this one makes no freaking sense to me.  Why, WHY would I not want the very best out of my life?  Why do I sabotage myself?  Why do I find a way, some way, ANY way, to keep myself “less than”?!  I’ve always been a “more than” kind of person…maybe I used up all my over-achievingness (not a word, I know) in high school and college.  Maybe I need to just get over it and accept my fate…maybe it is time to start getting those freaking cats and those woeful stirrup pants and the really bad dye job and the really sad hair…I should just give up, right?  I’ve come as far as I can, right?  Even if I could get any further I certainly wouldn’t allow such unwarranted happiness, RIGHT?!?!  Why?!  Why?!  Why?!!!!!

(This is the point where some kind reader needs to come to my house, slap me clean across the face and tell me to get the hell over myself.  Tell me that I’m being a baby, that two years ago I would have killed to be in this dilemma - Ooooh, waahhh, it’s so hard to have a fantastic guy and lose even more weight at the same time, oh let me wipe my tears with my muscular arms and let me hug my totally smaller than it has ever been in my adult life body, ooooooh, waaaahhhhh, woe is me! - Yup.  I need a good what for.  Bring it.  Tell me that, in the words of America’s first Hot President, I have nothing to fear but fear itself.  Tell me to calm down and take a deep breath.  Tell me if I believe in myself and my strength and my abilities, for all three are worth believing in, this too shall pass.  Remind me of how far I’ve come, how much I’ve changed…then make me another strong pot of coffee, tell me the Hottest time of the year, baseball season, is just around the corner, give me a hug and a smooch on the cheek, tie the shoelaces on my sneakers, open my door and tell me to run, run, RUN…I gotta chase down the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, kids…I can see it, I can feel it, I know it’s close…can’t…stop…now…)

Hot Manspirations of the Week:  Last week I had the opportunity (thanks Kara!) to see the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion.  This was my second time seeing this company perform, and they seem to just get better and better.  Jaw dropping, awe inspiring, unreal, unreal, unreal…SO BEAUTIFUL!  Beautiful bodies doing beautiful things, spirited, lyrical, breathtaking and occasionally downright sextacular, oh my god it was the best show I’ve seen in a long, long time.  If you ever get the chance to see them, SEE THEM!  You will not regret it.  Especially if you are in need of Hot Manspiration.  Holy cannoli, do those men have bodies on ‘em!!  Hell, even the women will leave you all in a tither.  Beautiful, beautiful bodies…oh the things that the body can do if you let it!  Amazing!