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Jan 05
The Hotness Resolution Posted by Leah

A Special Message From Her Hotness:

Hello my beauties!  Hello my lovelies!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!  Ahhh, 2009 is upon us, is it Hot Man Josh Hollowaynot?  And did you all ring in the new year with mirth and merriment?  Were you with the ones you love and did you love the ones you were with?  I am pleased to say that I did.  I also had much yummy champagne and, oy, less than 12 hours later it had me!  Yes, yes…I spent the whole of Wednesday night feeling like the hottest of hot shit, with Talent and Ambition hauled up and out for the world to see…and yet, ’tis nothing more humbling than a prayer to a porcelain god…good times, good times…but I continue on undeterred, mindful of the task at hand, hunkered down, trying to get my life back to some semblance of post-holiday order whilst simultaneously grabbing hold of the last remaining bits of courage and gumption I can muster in my quest to become…well…in my quest to simply Become.  Oh kiddies, oh kiddies, kiddies, kiddies, there is MUCH to do.  Much has been done, but the yellow brick road stretches on for miles.  What say we get to Oz before 2010?  Holy crap, we really could reach Oz before 2010!

LET’S GET TO WORK!!!!

RESOLVED:  Understanding that our lives ought to be led in a manner of fabulousness Hot Man Eddie Cibrianbefitting our worth, and drawing upon the strength of our desire for the MANY Hot Men this world has so graciously offered, we resolve to Mancipate ourselves from the stranglehold placed on our lives, our confidence and our sexuality by all things fried, breaded, sweetened, buttered, creamed, dipped, etc.  We resolve to use the transformative power of Hot Manspiration to lead us from the valley of evil eats to the haven of a healthy heaven.  We shall draw upon our collective goodwill to create a community where Hotness reigns supreme, where the secret to success is a Secret Weapon, where weekly doses of “change is hard!” will keep perspective in check and quitting at bay.  No talk of points.  No talk of losers.  No talk of weighting or watching or slimming or fasting.  No talk of anything except the Hotness!

We resolve to accept the struggle, confront the challenges, and welcome the changes.  This is our quest.  Manificence awaits us.  We need only grab it…by the balls!  2009 - shit’s on the line!  

Viva la resolution!

Now - go forth and CONQUER!!! 

Jan 12
Talent and Ambition Posted by Leah

Week 83: down 1 pound  (-63.5 pounds total!)

Talent:  Salutations and greetings, everyone!  It is SO very nice to finally meet you all.  We’ve heard ever so much about you, but it helps to put names to faces, does it not?  Please allow me to formally introduce myself.  I am Talent, the humble occupant of the left side of Her Hotness’ chestal region.  Here with me today is Ambition, the titular yin to my yang.  Say hello Ambition…and do try to be civil.

Ambition:  WHATTUP PEEPS!!  YOU GUYS ROCK!

Talent:  Oh dear, ’tis as I feared.  Do pardon her.  She is a bundle of unbridled id.  But I suppose that’s why we love her.

Ambition:  WE ALL ROCK!

Talent:  Ambition and I have been chomping at the bit lo these past 80 weeks to speak Hot Man Josh Hollowayto you all directly.  As Her Hotness is feeling a bit under the weather today, she finally relented and allowed us our moment in the sun.  I personally would like to thank her for this opportunity to speak on my own behalf, for I feel I have been crudely represented to all of you Hot Man Dieteers out there.  Before I step on my high horse, there is one order of business that must be attended to.  Last week was an exceptionally strong showing for my mistress, in spite of appearances.  HMD’ers, I have a secret to tell you.  Her Hotness has been keeping things from you!  I’m sure you’ve noted the lack of any sort of weigh in the past two weeks.  Well, she can play it off any way she wants, but the truth of the matter is she was ashamed and embarrassed.  I tried to convince her to see things otherwise, tried to get her to realize she’s only human and that everyone, EVERYONE, gains weight over the holidays.  But she would have none of it.  She wants to be perfect for you all.  I think we know who to blame for that.

Ambition:  WE ARE BEAUTIFUL IN EVERY SINGLE WAY!

Talent:  Here’s what happened - the last Monday in December Her Hotness did weigh herself.  She was up 5 pounds and was devastated.  I tried to console her, but my efforts were futile.  After a so-so New Year’s week she got on the scale again last Monday to find she had lost 2.5 of those pounds.  Great news, a light at the end of that blasted holiday tunnel.  It was exactly what she needed, a gloriously swift kick in the butt, and next thing I know we ALL went to work!  Today may say only one pound down but now you know the whole story - our girl lost 3.5 pounds last week, is below her pre-holiday weight and is actually back to the lowest point she’s ever been.  Woo hoo!      

I must say, when Her Hotness allows us to help we ALWAYS produce stellar results.  All humility aside, I am a whiz in the kitchen.  I know what to do with vegetables.  I can make healthy and delicious without breaking a sweat.  She needs to leave me to my magic more often.  ANYTHING I whip up at home is better than anything she will get elsewhere.  I hope she remembers that.  Please do remind her!  And Ambition…well, Imust be honest.  I am not always her biggest fan.  But last week she was a shining star!  Ambition, my most heartfelt congratulations on a job well done.

Ambition:  WE RAN!  WE JUMPED!  WE LUNGED!  WE PUSHED!  WE WORKED!  WE HURT!  WE ROCKED!  WOO HOOO!!!

Talent:  Yes, yes…even I must admit that this time you did indeed rock.  There is one more thing we must say.  I’d love to hog the microphone for this one, but I could never do it as much justice as my brash bra-mate.  Ambition…Hot Man Eddie Cibrian

Ambition:  VIVA LA RESOLUTION!!

Talent:  Indeed!  

Ambition:  WE ROCK!

Talent:  That’s enough.  HMD’ers, one quick thing before we go our lifted and separated ways.  I’ve heard tell that many of you have noted our shrinking presence, to which I say 1) you are correct, we are downsizing and 2) BACK OFF!  This is a VERY hard adjustment for us, as we have spent the better part of twenty years as Her Hotness’ claim to fame.  We were her shining glory.  We were her omnipresent, cup runneth over companions, her knockers, her gazongas, her cans, her jugs, her melons, her tatas, her rack!  But now she is losing us…and she’s happy about it!  Just the other day she told someone that she thinks her best feature is her…it pains me to say it…SMILE!  Oh curses, curses to the cruel god that would make a woman lose her breasts but keep her hips!  Why?  Why God, why?

Ambition:  WHY?!

Talent:  But fear not, Hot Men of the world.  We may be down a cup, but we are NOT out!  So long as there is breath in me, so long as I am still a quality handful, I will be here, valiantly standing erect and strong.  And though I may be small(er) in stature, my presence will ALWAYS be mighty!

Ambition:  WE ARE MIGHTY!  WE WILL KICK YOUR ASS!  WE WILL TAKE YOU DOWN AND SMOTHER YOU IN OUR KILLER CLEAVAGE!  WE’RE NUMBER ONE!  WE’RE NUMBER ONE!  

Talent:  Perhaps this is an appropriate moment to point out that I am the larger of the two…

Ambition:  WE’RE NUMBER ONE!  WE ROCK!!!  KNOCKERS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!

Talent:  Oh dear.  I fear she will never let us speak again…

Ambition:  VIVA LA RESOLUTION!!

Hot Manspirations of the Week: 

Talent:  I suppose we should take care of this for her, as well.  She’s off cutting veggies or pre-portioning snacks or something of that ilk.  We shant disturb her.  But I am sure she’d want us to pay appropriate homage to the two Hot Men she featured last week but failed to mention by name.  Ambition, please do the honors…

Hot Man Brad PittAmbition:  JOSH HOLLOWAY AND EDDIE CIBRIAN!  TWO OF TELEVISION’S HOTTEST HOT HOTTIES!  LOVE THEM!  WANT THEM!  NOW!

Talent:  Yes, they are Manificent.  Lost and Ugly Betty have never looked so good, have they?  Why, they’re the best looking pair we’ve seen since…well, us!

Ambition:  WE’RE HOT!

Talent:  And they’re Hot.  Definitely worthy of a second look.  And for good measure, Ambition and I have decided to add one Mr. Brad Pitt to the mix.  We find him unerringly good looking, but for some reason Her Hotness has never given him a proper HMD shout out.  Not sure why, though I suspect it has something to do with the missus…

Ambition:  BRAD PITT IS HOT!  WE’LL TAKE DOWN ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE!!  WE’LL TAKE THEM DOWN AND SMOTHER THEM IN OUR…

Talent:  Yes, yes, we get the point.  All righty then.  We hope you are all properly Manspired.  We’re off to catch up with boss lady.  Oh dear.  The soy breakfast patties have just come out!  She means business.  This should be a good week! 

Ambition:  TOFU ROCKS!

Talent:  It has been my absolute pleasure speaking with you all today.  Have a fantastic week.  I hope we meet again and soon!  Ambition, say goodbye to all the lovely people.

Ambition:  WE ROCK!

Jan 19
Yes I Can’t! Posted by Leah

Week 84: down 0 pounds (-63.5 pounds total!)

I know, I know…I’m late.  But I totally have a good excuse.  I was out of town all weekend, letting freedom ring from the mountain tops (literally).  I was on holiday, as this oh so cosmopolitan gal about town is often wont to do.  I did not make my way to La La Land until a few hours ago, and so I must beg your pardon for my Monday morning absence.  I hope it did not ruin your day entirely.  Stop crying, I’m here now.  There, there…you’re going to be okay…

Kids, Her Hotness went snowboarding for the first time ever!  Yup, I went with some lovely peeps to Big Bear for the long weekend and spent Saturday morning becoming one with the snow (literally).  And while I may be very gifted and talented when it comes to some things, I can say with absolute certainty that snowboarding is NOT on the list.  HMD’ers, I hurt.  I hurt bad.  I don’t hurt as much as I did Saturday night, when I was in such pain that I 1) turned down the chance to sample some Bear Mountain nightlife (if you know me well you understand the difficulty in said decision…I do VERY well in unfamiliar locations, as if my lovelife were pre-destined to be a cross country scavenger hunt ) and 2) called my Mommy.  Whatevs, you would have done the same if your right knee were as big as a baseball and a shade of eggplant you hadn’t seen since your bridesmaid years.  Don’t judge.  

In my delirium I spent the remainder of the weekend in existential turmoil, so displeased was I with my ice capades.  You see, I began the day with a two hour lesson that should have prepped me for the bunny slopes to follow.  Instead, I would call it a class in falling.  I did manage to learn how to make my way downhill, though my technique was dubious (I can only hit any kind of stride when facing uphill and looking over my shoulders to find my way).  Going down the hill face first, with no real understanding of how to control my speed and/or direction, terrified me.  I was gripped in fear, palms sweaty, heart pounding, feeling less and less inclined to go because I was more and more convinced I would only fall.  My second run was an absolute catastrophe.  It took almost forty minutes and the constant assistance of a very patient friend for me to get down!  (In my defense, this was not the bunny slope but instead one level of difficulty up.)  The reason - I got off that lift and shut down.  I closed off.  I was paralyzed with fear.  Even my own rational thought processes, that I knew I could do it, that I knew enough to make it down without too much additional physical damage, did not work…at first.  To make it down the mountain I finally, inevitably, had to pretend it was a molehill.  And once down I promised myself that I would never EVER go up again!

Hence the angst.  Why did I give in to fear yet again?  Why did I refuse to trust my body’s ability and strength yet again?  Why didn’t I fight harder, push harder, no matter the outcome, no matter the pain?  After all, don’t the Marines say that pain is just weakness exiting the body?  Why was I weak?  Why am I weak?  When will I ever be strong?!

My morale had upended itself.  My vicious cycle was repeating - a small peronal “failure” occurs and I am sucker punched by a tidal wave of Major Life Failure after Major Life Failure.  But then a funny thing happened on the way to LA.  (Doesn’t it always?)  In the quiet of the car a thought came to me all of a sudden - I tried snowboarding.  I tried it.  At the age of 34, having never skied nor surfed nor done anything that might possibly have prepared me for boots and a board on a hill, I TRIED it!  And what’s more, I tried it with enthusiasm.  I jumped in with gusto, short lived as it was.  All of last week people kept telling me how hard snowboarding was, how rough their first attempt was, going on and on and ON about the pain I could/should expect, and in spite of that, in spite of ALL of that, I still tried it with enthusiasm!  I needed to try it for myself, if only to get my own taste of how hard it is, how rough it is, how painful it is.  And so what if Hot President Obamathat taste came and went very quickly.  So what if I left the gusto behind along with my sunglasses and a little bit of my pride.  So what if I’m not a good snowboarder!  At least I tried!!  And, like ice skating and deep sea fishing before it, I can now cross that summamabitch off my “Things I Can Do” list…with enthusiasm! 

The moral of the story?  While I may not master everything, I will gladly try anything!  (Interpret at will.)  

Hot Manspiration of the Week:  Ummm…did you really think it was going to be ANYONE else?  Today we celebrate the legacy of the greatest civil rights hero this country has ever known.  Tomorrow we swear in our first African American president.  One had a dream.  The other is the realization of that dream.  May God bless you, Mr. President.  Yes we can!

Jan 26
Plan-tastic! Posted by Leah

Week 85: down .5 pound (-64 pounds total!)

Hola people!  Happy Monday morning.  Are you almost ready for some football?!?  Yes, yes, yes…it’s Superbowl week in America.  Place your bets, prep your livers and roll out the face paint come this Sunday.  Most importantly (and I am saying this to myself as much as I am saying this to you) PLAN AHEAD!  My Secret Weapon has been beating this point into my head and now I pass a bit of the beating onto you all.  Ya’ll.  You kids.  Or, as they say in Pittsburgh, youns.  Plan ahead!  Let’s face it, even if you don’t know Hot Man Heath Ledgera touchdown from a field goal from a…aw hell, I don’t know this crap either!  But I do know I WILL be at a Superbowl party.  And I do know there WILL be all kinds of evil yumminess present.  And I do know I WILL NOT have the will to willingly walk by all of it.  So what do I do?  Freak out and declare that my life is so completely unfair and all this watching what I eat and being healthy and whatnot is just some evil plan concocted by a spiteful god who has it out for me for reasons I cannot name?!  No.  I won’t do that.  I did that yesterday.  Didn’t work.  So I guess I’ll just listen to all of the generously provided advice, and I’ll just plan the hell ahead.  Monday thru Saturday - clean living as God (who is not at all spiteful, sorry ’bout that!) and nature intended.  Sunday - full on debauchery, Her Hotness-style!  Aw yeah, baby!  I’m SO gonna bring some light mixers to go with my limited intake of hooch!  Can my homies say “club soda”?  Riiight!  My veggie platter and roasted red pepper dip are gonna be off da hook!  Word!  I’m gonna roll up to the Mar Vista Farmer’s Market Sunday morning and get my organic gangsta produce up in this piece, biotches!  And then my hype assed self is gonna go for a run up in da hood!  And don’t get me started, don’t EVEN get me started with my pre-party salad…shits gonna be locally grown, shits gonna be loaded with goodness, and mo fos better recollize that I had that biotch with tha dressing on the side, aw hells yeah!  Can I get a whaa whaa?!  THAT’S some full on debauchery, Her Hotness-style!  Keep yo greasy hands and greasy foods to yoself, mothertruckers.  I am a temple!  Did ya hear me?  TEMPLE!!

So when I bring the party next Sunday like I always bring it and you see me having a munchy munch or two, don’t act like you all that and a bag of chips.  Don’t mess with me, don’t give me any looks, don’t axe what I’m doing, cause I’m rolling up in there with my shit done been done.  It’s all been doneded.  I done done it.  I done it all week, biotch.  What you done been done?  Nuthin, aiight.  So step off!  Cause when I woke up this morning I had nonfat organic yogurt with lowfat organic hemp plus granola with omega-Hot Man Robert Downey Jr3s and what you have, what, a doughnut?  Sucka, please.  Talk to me when I’m 80 and spry like a summamabitch.  Talk to me then and tell me who’s Hot.  Oh right, you won’t be able to.  You’ll be dead.

Word.

Hot Manspirations of the Week:  Gotsta give it up for two men who have been at the center of all the Oscar talk this past week.  One left us way too soon.  The other did, as well, but somehow managed to find his way home.  Kids, I cannot stop raving about Tropic Thunder.  I really think it is one of the funniest and best films I’ve seen in quite some time.  And I really can’t stop raving about Robert Downey, Jr. in Tropic Thunder.  Holy hell, he went there.  He went there and made it work!  If you never thought you’d see a black man become President, I’m certain you never imagined a white man in black face getting an Academy Award nomination.  Sheer talent (and exceptional writing) completely obliterating the potential pitfalls of political correctness.  This is indeed change we need.  We can only hope for much, much more.

And Heath.  Aw, this sucks.  Such a talent, such a Manspiration, such a loss.  Rest in Hotness, Heath Ledger.  We miss you!    

Feb 05
I’m Not There Posted by Leah

Week 86:  down .5 pound (-64.5 pounds total!)

I know, I KNOW.  You guys are all where the bloody h are you and I’m all not there.  Not there Monday.  Not there Tuesday.  Not there Wednesday.  What.  The.  Eff?  I know.  I KNOW.  So then you guys start calling me like where the bloody h are you and you start writing and you’re all like seriously where’s my Weekly Speak and I don’t write back and I don’t call back because I’m all like damn why can’t they leave me alone why can’t a girl get a break sometimes even the Hotness needs a break it needs a break!

Okay, so sometimes the Hotness doesn’t eat enough at a Superbowl party and ends up three sheets to the wind before half-time and sobers up enough to make it home and pass out but then when it’s time to get up and commence the Hotness it can’t be done she can’t do it it makes her sick to do it not really sick but like ugh really do I HAVE to do this and so then it’s all like eff this NO HOT FOR YOU! but inside she knows she totally knows the Hotness cannot wait and even though even though you all bug her to death she secretly loves the fact that you all need the Hotness too you need it we all NEED it!

And maybe the best of intentions fall by the wayside Monday night when a diversionary tactic (i.e. a date, a date, a date!) puts the proverbial kibosh on the Hotness the needed Hotness the already late and growing later Hotness but that’s okay because well hell it’s a DATE and these things can wait you guys can wait can’t you please wait and so yeah yeah yeah maybe Tuesday and Wednesday were just lost to lethargy the Hotness was tired tired turred and fighting off the beginnings of a sore throat and and trying desperately trying to start keep commit to a food diary so that the Hotness can keep moving forward there’s a birthday coming this month it’s a big one a birthday oy a big one and things need must should HAVE TO keep moving forward and so sometimes and listen closely guys sometimes life just takes over for a little bit but don’t worry because the Hotness the Hotness will never EVER go away delayed a bit yes but gone away forever never!

So don’t get pissed because some of you might get pissed at me for doing this especially the ones that have been here since the Hotness began you’ll think it is a crutch my easy go to shot o’ Manspiration but you have to understand listen closely guys sometimes when life just takes over and shit is really late because I’m trying trying trying really hard to juggle this maelstrom that is my life you have to understand listen closely guys this is the moment when I want desire resquest dedicate need need NEED a naked Gerard Butler.  I’m only human.  He’s only Hot. 

Hot Man Gerard Butler

I will see you next Monday.  I WILL see you next Monday.  Have a Mantastic weekend!! 

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