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Aug 06
The Examination of a Foe Posted by Leah

Week 10: down 0 pounds (-17.5 total!)

HMD’ers, let me tell you - this is one rough morning.  If I manage to make even one insightful observation during this entry, I will be surprised.  I am bummed because of my lack of loss (I know, I know, last week was a big jump down and I can’t expect to do that every week…but still…I am bummed nonetheless).  I am also suffering the ill effects of a mild hangover.  I could blame this rough morning on a lot of HMD Foes past (margaritas, weekends, Hot Bartenders).  I could even blame it on myself and my own lack of discipline and control.  But why do that?  Let’s just put the blame where it truly belongs.  For my current woeful state, I blame SUMMER!

This summer has been a whirlwind of craziness for this SoCal girl.  (I’ve been here five years.  Can I rightly call myself a SoCal girl?)  For various and sundry reasons, my social life has seized upon this most glorious of seasons and has taken off like so many rockets.  June and July were lost in a hazy blur of parties, barbeques, concerts and weddings, and August sits looming ahead, my busy calendar already preying at my weakness and staking its claim on my now weathered liver and empty wallet.  What the eff is going on here?!  When did Reasonable Leah give over to Summer Leah?  And where the hell did this Summer Leah come from, anyway? 

My mother says that when I was very young she was convinced that I would be kidnapped, because whenever someone would say “Leah, do you want to go…”, I would immediately say yes.  The rest of the sentence didn’t matter.  If there was somewhere to go, some fun to be had, I was in like Flynn!  So, perhaps this is simply a character trait that has stumbled into full bloom during this Summer of Fun?  Perhaps the various elements of my life have simply lined up to create a perfect storm of sorts, a Perfect Social Storm - easy job, no major travel plans, wonderfully social friends, close proximity to the beach, discovery of $4 bottles of Prosecco from Trader Joe’s (yum!), increased confidence due to successful weight loss efforts, increased need to meet Hot Men so as to aid in research for Hot Man Diet, etc. 

Do I fight it?  Seriously, do I fight it?  I’ve done nothing this summer to work on my long-term career goals.  (Does anyone know someone who can get me a job on The Daily Show?)  I’ve been THRILLED with the work I’m doing here on HMD, but I’ve done nothing to seriously promote it.  (Does anyone know Oprah?)  I think my bills are getting paid, but I can’t be sure of it.  No one has taken my car away…yet.  My apartment is reaching new heights of disarray (I’m usually very anal about my living space…tee hee…I said ”anal”).    And the fact that I’m able to face the world every morning with clean underwear is a flat-out miracle.  I’ve become Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, only with less money, less of a problem with the hooch, a strong desire to live and no hookers. 

But on the other hand - I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN!!!  Why the hell not indulge this one summer of ridiculousness, right?  I’m young, I’m single, I’m getting healthier and stronger in spite of it all and I’m having a freaking blast in the process!  Won’t there be plenty of time in the future to be hard-working and industrious?  Can’t I put off becoming a responsible adult for four more weeks?  Seriously, just until Labor Day?  PLEASEEEEE!!!

Hot Manspirations of the Week:  Well, he did it.  He finally did it.  After two near Hot Man Alex Rodriguezmisses, Alex Rodriguez has finally earned a spot on Hot Man Diet!  How?  By becoming the youngest player ever to reach 500 home runs (and, in doing so, mercifully siphoning off a bit of the Barry Bonds media coverage).  Alex, will you be in pinstripes next year?  Or will you let that evil agent of yours ruin your career…again?  Please, just let me love you.  I want to love you!  Ahh, we must not go there, not now.  Let’s not talk of the future, let’s just enjoy this moment.  Alex Rodriguez, you’re (finally) my Hot Manspiration of the Week!

Also, in the continuing saga of “Why Am I Ashamed to Love Paul Walker?”, Miss Gee, Hot man Jason LewisHMD Fan #1, offers up this pic and advice:  ”This might be considered an alternative version of Paul Walker….. I do not mean to imply that you need to replace your tender lady feelings for Paul …. however, THIS version of Paul Walker (in form of Jason Lewis) doesn’t date Jessicas (he dates Rosarios), he doesn’t do “dude” flicks (he does annoying t.v. shows like Brothers and Sisters), and he is older and therefore just ever-so-slightly better.”  To his defense, Jason Lewis also does wonderful t.v. (I really miss Sex and the City!)  And yes, he is unquestionably Hot.  But better than Paul Walker?  I dunno about that one… 

 

Aug 13

HERE I AM!!

Hey ya’ll!  I had some technical difficulties this morning, so I couldn’t post my Weekly Speak at the normal time.  But everything is fixed now, and we are go for this week’s weigh-in…

Week 11: down 0 pounds (-17.5 total!)

So…I’ve hit another impasse.  Two weeks in a row with no loss.  What to do…what to do…

I’ve got an idea.

Here we go - this week, I am going to put Hot Man Diet to the test.  The challenge is thus: before I insert anything into my mouth (ooh, that sounded dirty!) I WILL, without fail, force myself to think about one of my Hot Manspirations for at least ten seconds.  It is my firm belief that this ten second Hotbreak will have an immediate positive impact on both the quantity and quality of food I consume. 

 I’ve been toying with the idea of doing this for a while, and I think now is an excellent opportunity to seriously practice what I preach.  I call this challenge the Mancipation Proclamation, as I now declare myself free from food slavery!  Freedom, sweet freedom, rain down on me and baptize me anew as I slough off this mortal coil for a smaller, healthier, firmer mortal coil!  I call upon my army of Hot Manspirations to lead me into battle - Derek Jeter, send me salads!  Daniel Craig, will me towards water!  George Clooney, liberate me from libations!  Taye Diggs, perfect my portion sizes!  Paul Walker, empower me to exercise!  Gerard Butler, say my name in that accent!  Aaah, ye few, ye happy few, ye band of Hot Manspirations, for he today that helps me win this war shall be my lover!!

(I wish.)

Let’s just see if it works.Hot Man Matt Damo

Hot Manspirations of the Week:  In spite of the fact that it gave me a wicked bad case of motion sickness, I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed The Bourne Ultimatum.  Matt Damon, for becoming the actor that we hoped you would become (you listening, Affleck?), for bulking up and filling out nicely (great arms!), and for being classy throughout, for these reasons and more (and in spite of the whole Red Sox fan thing, don’t think that didn’t give me pause) you are my Hot Manspiration of the Week.  Hug me, you big lug.

Also on this week’s Mandar - Patrick Wilson.  You Hot Man Patrick Wilsonmight not immediately know who this one is, but you’ll catch on soon enough.  He’s been in my house courtesy of the Angels in America DVDs that I’m finally getting around to watching.  (The movie is fantastic - if you haven’t seen it rent it ASAP!  I’m convinced that Meryl Streep is the finest woman I will ever never meet.)  He’s also the handsome feller dancing with Claire Danes in those unexpectedly charming Gap commercials.  AND he was in Little Children (another fantastic movie!) with Kate Winslet.  I bring this movie up because it features SEVERAL nude scenes, all of which only confirm Mr. Wilson’s addition to my current roster of Hot Manspirations.  Next up from Netflix - The Phantom of the Opera, starring Patrick Wilson AND Gerard Butler (and Emmy Rossum, who totally grates my nerves…you can’t win ‘em all).  Hubba hubba, holy Hotness!  I see some Special Moments in Her Hotness’ future…

Hot Man Diet Foe of the Week:  Senior citizen drivers.  (See Hot Wheels)

   

Week 12: down 2 pounds (-19.5 total!)

Yes indeed-y, my Mancipation Proclamation challenge worked after all!  I have busted through my second slump of the summer and proceed apace to Hotness.  I shall continue with this challenge, as it keeps me both honest and happy (who can be upset with visions of Clooney dancing in their heads?).  My Yanks are in town taking on those damn Angels, and my body is all aquiver over the influx of Hotness that has just hit the OC.  Yes, oh yes, there are many a  pin-striped reason to remain on target…

And now I digress…HMD’ers, it is no secret that Her Hotness is ever so fond of a good time, good time (see The Examination of a Foe).  This summer, in particular, has been “off the hook”, as the kids like to say.  And Sunday afternoons have become, out of nowhere, THE time to party hardest. 

There’s a certain bar in Venice Beach that we frequent with almost chilling regularity on Sundays.  We like it for its proximity to the beach (it is practically on the water), amazing view of sunset, fabulous margaritas and because we can get there via bike, which is my new favorite thing to do.  But mostly, we adore it because of what we call the “sketch” factor - you never know what you’re gonna get.  The ladies room, in particular, is a microcosm of everything that is wonderfully crazy and raunchy about Venice.  Kooky, funny, for the most part harmless, ALWAYS entertaining…how could you not love it?

Yesterday we got our first taste of how we could not love it.  Sketch overload.  Mine eyes have seen not one, but two pairs of naked ta-tas.  Whaa?!  I don’t want/need to see this crap!  The first girl gone wild was responding to some dude telling her she was hot (she was not).  Call me crazy, but when one is complimented in such a way is it standard practice to pull one’s bikini top off of ones boob, lift ones boob up and lick ones nipple???!!!???!  EWWWW!  And then she licked her fingers and did something else quite nasty that I won’t even say, lest some people stumble upon this site and think that Hot Man Diet need be read in a locked room with the lights off.  Needless to say, the bar ERUPTED in a weird combination of agony and ecstasy, but I was too busy screaming that the skank had given my eyes chlamydia.  (Funny chlamydia story here.)

Not five minutes later I notice a cluster of boys (not men, drooling, panting boys) looking down onto the street.  Seeing as how I am ever so curious about everything, I follow their gaze.  Topless woman on back of some dude’s motorocycle!!!  Whaaa??!?!!?  I quickly sent a little prayer to the Big Man upstairs for my craptacular eyesight, as this was no girl gone wild but a grown-ass woman on the mature-er side of things…needless to say, her Tia and Tameras had seen better days.

Ladies!  This is no way to act in public!  Even in Venice!  Her Hotness hates to be such a prude, but my goodness.  This is unnecessary!  We party girls have to maintain some level of dignity, right?  By upping the ante in such a way you force everyone else’s hand, and I can say most assuredly that it will be a cold day in hell before I unleash Talent and Ambition on an unwitting public!  They deserve better, I deserve better, you deserve better, we all deserve better!!  I mean, if you are going to strip, don’t you think you should at least make a little bank?  So, when we all meet again next Sunday I expect that you will show up with all the bases covered (so to speak) and lick nothing but the salt on the rim of your glass.  I am sorry for the lecture, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

And with that, Her Hotness gracefully dismounts her high horse…

Hot Manspirations of the Week:  This week I am giving over this section of today’s entry to my mother, as she celebrated her birthday yesterday.  Happy Birthday Mom!  In lieu of a proper gift (I’m a bad daughter), I give you some Hotness! 

Hot Man Will Smith

Aaah, Will Smith.  The Fresh Prince.  You’ve been here before (see Hot Man Diet Presents…A Very Special Tribute to Hot Dads), but no doubt your good looks warrant a second moment of Manjoyment.  We love you, Will Smith!

Hot Man JFK, Jr.

John John, dear John John.  We miss you!  You have the distinction of being one of the few white men my mother finds Hot (she takes her coffee black, I like mine with heavy cream).  She  is not alone.  So dignified.  So classy.  So tall, dark and handsome.  So very much the man we ALL wanted to marry.  You were our shining prince, our bike-riding once and future king…so sad…so very sad.

 Hot Man Denzel Washington

Hubba, hubba.  Sigh, sigh.  Ooph, I am a blubbering mess over this one.  Denzel, kudos to you for your second HMD shout-out.  You are my mother’s absolute favorite.  That smile.  Those lips.  That swagger.  That talent.  That raw, raw sex appeal.  You have aged like a fine wine, Mr. Washington, and I will be among the first in line to see American Gangster. (Denzel and Russel Crowe in the same movie?!  The gods must truly love us!)  Denzel Washington, you are our Hot Manspiration of the Week!

Hot Man Diet Foe of the Week:  Paula Deen, I have been a big fan for some time now.  I adore your show, your yummy Southern comfort food, your handsome and charming sons.  I even won an office dessert contest two years in a row with your Gooey Pumpkin Butter Cake recipe.  But my god woman, you’ve gone too far!  While I was up early Saturday morning making wonderfully healthy foods for my first catering job, you were on my television making DEEP FRIED MACARONI AND CHEESE WRAPPED IN BACON!!!!  Whaaaa?!!!?!  I know you have never been the most heart-conscious individual (the woman puts butter in her hamburgers!), but this is bad, even for you.  You wanna know why?  ‘Cause someday I’m gonna be feeling real low, maybe because of a boy, maybe because of a job, who knows.  And when I’m feeling blue, when I’m depressed and having a rough time, I’ll think to myself, “You know what sounds good - DEEP FRIED MACARONI AND CHEESE WRAPPED IN BACON.”  And because of you and your evil, evil ways, I’ll know how to make it!!!!!  Damn you, Paula Deen.  Damn you.  (I love you!)   

Aug 27
A Few Hot Men Posted by Leah

Week 13: up 2 pounds (-17.5 total)  BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I guess it was time, eh?  Oh well, what did I expect?  I totally lost track of everything this week, my Mancipation Proclamation, my time (notice that I didn’t write Hot Man Diet Presents…The Hot Man Playlist for, what, the third week in a row!!), everything was lost in the party whirlwind that has become my life.  But I promise all of you, my lovely Hot Man Dieteers (who deserve so much better than this, really!), this week WILL be different!  Stick with me, kids.  Watch Her Hotness shake it off and get back on her hot path.  This week I will be the stuff freaking legends are made of!!!  

Ya’ll may remember that I started 2007 in a bad, bad place - unhappy with my job, unhappy with my looks, unhappy with my lack of funds, unhappy with life in general.  I knew that things had to change.  In the process of looking for inspiration, I, like so many peeps I know, stumbled upon The Secret.  I watched the DVD several times and read the book, and while it provided a momentary salve it was by no means a cure-all.  That being said, one of the main things I took from it, one of the main ideas it proposes (that I happen to believe in wholeheartedly), is the notion that the universe gives you that which you request.  What you put out in the world can and will be yours.  This is a controversial theory, to be sure, but I believe it works.  Why?  Hmm…maybe it has something to do with Hot Men…

Picture this:  a balmy Tuesday evening in Seal Beach.  Her Hotness and friend have just enjoyed a leisurely Happy Hour with other great peeps.  Margaritas flowed like water, chips and salsa provided needed sustenance, conversation entertained all.  Seeing as they so rarely party in Seal Beach, the two ladies decide to continue their evening on the main street near the beach (probably called something as simple as Main Street, but whatevs).  They peruse the watering holes with a discreet eye, looking for just the right place to have another round and watch the Yanks lose miserably to the Angels (make that 2 rounds!!).  They settle on a locale - dark, quiet, with pool tables, juke box and dartboard.  As they enjoy their pints, the two ladies are approached at various times by several affable gents who request their company near the pool table once they are done chatting.  Boy, they think, apparently all the nice guys have been living in Seal Beach this whole time.  Who knew?

They grab round two (it was a REALLY bad game!) and decide to join the gents in back.  At that point they realize - excepting the bartender, they are the only women in the bar.  Score one for the ladies (we never have the odds in our favor like THAT!).  Second major point - the gents they are joining are ALL Hot!  Score two for the ladies.  (If only we could have given some of our points to the Yanks…)  The Hot Men are nice and funny and welcoming and HOT and young and delightful, and as they introduce themselves Her Hotness and friend discover the third major point…

THEY’RE ALL IN THE NAVY!  Yup, that’s right, the two ladies find themselves surrounded by servicemen.  Not Village People “In the Navy” types, but hardcore, built, served-several-tours-of-duty-in-Iraq sailors!  And they would only be in town for three days.  And they were looking for some good times.  And they grew in numbers as the evening went on.  And they were Hot!  (Did I mention that already?)

And they loved us!

So what does this have to do with The Secret?  Here ’tis:  since starting Hot Man Diet, I find Hot Men EVERYWHERE!  I believe that I asked the universe to bring these Hot Men into my life so that I might constantly be inspired and re-inspired to stay on track (oh universe, I shall need them this week, bring them to me!).  I clearly laid out my Mantentions in my very first entry, The Hotness Begins, and the result is that this summer has seen a procession of Hot Manjoyment the likes of which has ne’er happened to me before!  I mean, I spent last Tuesday night in a BAR FULL OF SAILORS!  Who the hell does that?!  How does that happen?!  Kara and I were freaking prom queens up in that place, with salivating men on our left and salivating men on our right.  Where does that come from?!  I can only believe that it comes from someone out there, out there in the ether, hearing my pleas and answering my prayers!  I have called Hotness into my life, and the Hotness has responded in full!  

Now, if I may be so picky as to slightly clarify my request…

“Dear Universe, thank you for all of the Hot Men you’ve sent thus far.  They’ve been great!  But, in the future, I’d prefer it if they weren’t married, engaged, under 21, or on a boat that is leaving in three days.  I hope this isn’t too much to axe for. 

Sincerely,

Her Hotness”

Hot Man Jake GyllenhaalHot Manspirations of the Week:  I am, if nothing else, a sucker for a theme, so why not use this chance to highlight the men of Jarhead.  Yes, I know that these gents are in the Marines and NOT the Navy, but I’m willing to overlook such minor details in the name of Hotness.  I missed this movie when it first came out, but it now sits atop my Netflix list (along with an avalanche, nay, a virtual assault of Craig, Clooney and Butler pics…I will need to haul out the big guns this week if’n I expect to live up to my promise!).  Jake Gyllenhaal, Peter Sarsgaard, Jamie Foxx…all buffed up and whatnot…and aggro and testosterone-y and effed in the head cause of war and whatnot…I do NOT mean to make light of war, pardon me if that is how I sound…at this point I am isolating the Hotness, focusing on it with the precision of a woman on her own warpath…I am losing myself in the biceps…losing myself in the chiseled chins and glistening skin…wondering what it Hot Man Peter Sarsgaardmight feel like to be wrapped in those arms…to be held by that chest…and thinking…wondering…what does the rest of it look like…they are beautiful, simply gorgeous…and yes, talented and deep and probably very nice in person, but that’s NOT what I’m here for right now…I’m here for the Hotness…this trio of Hotness…the arms…the chests…the stomachs…the legs…the EVERYTHING…my god, for reals ya’ll, there is no way anything could taste as good as these men feel!!!  Jake, Jamie & Peter, thank you!  You’re my Hot Manspirations of the Week.

Hot man Jamie FoxxHot Man Diet Foe of the Week:  The last call bell.  For whom does the bell toll?  Apparently for me, as I have heard this plaintive siren not once, but twice this past week (and on schoolnights, too, which only makes things worse!).  Hearing the last call bell can only mean one thing - at some point throughout the night your judgement was less than stellar, at some point the decision to have a light and lively night was o’ertaken by the desire to seriously throw back some hooch.  To be sure, both of these late nights were influenced by the company of Hot Men, but…well…that just can’t happen anymore!  I’ve seen the results and I don’t like ‘em! 

“Dear Universe, I’ve one more request.  Please send my Hot Men betwixt the hours of 5 pm and 9 pm, so that I might attempt to become a respectable member of society again.  Thanks!”   

Sep 04
Hot Man Diet - Season Two Posted by Leah

Week 14:  down 1 pound (-18.5 total!)

Willkommen, Hot Man Dieteers!  And how does this lovely Tuesday evening find you all?  I am ever so sorry for my absence this morning…I had an…umm…interesting evening last night, and had I attempted to write this entry in the a.m. it would have looked something like this:

dkgphaeruptygerarde5rvghyusdxkfrjetervghotmanrwoesygeneedwatero8t7ypclooneygkgjlkjlkh

hotfdiughpq2mustvomituhafudihvafiuhd;vuhtennis

Needless to say, I chose not to write. 

I had wanted to write a thoughtful, elegant treatise on the nature of seasons and their strong influence on my own life patterns, wanted to state aloud my intentions for the fall, this most industrious of times (for me, anyway).  I had wanted to officially cast off Summer Leah (see The Examination of a Foe) so that it could give way to Fall Leah, a Leah that is focused and goal oriented, disciplined and determined, steady of mind and active of body, a lean, mean Hot Man Diet machine.  In my mind, Labor Day was always the benchmark, the date for the passing of the torch between these two selves.  I was to awaken on September 4th a new woman, healthier, wealthier and wiser, a phoenix rising from the ashes of her margaritas, an angel on her ascent to (food) freedom and (movie) stardom!  Oh, if only you knew, HMD’ers, what glory there was to have been, what wonder, what beauty, it would have taken your breath away!

Instead, I awoke this morning hung over, sweating miserably, trying desperately to remember the latter part of last night.  (I remember the third bar, I remember the sunset, I remember the lovely German boys who bought us beers….oooohhhhhh…NOW things make sense…)  

In short, SUMMER LEAH REFUSES TO LEAVE!  Damn her and her drunken carousing and her good times, good times!  She stormed in like a hurricane and has laid claim to the best of me…she has commandeered my attentions and corrupted my intentions with her seductive charms…but she cannot stay.  It cannot be!  Fall Leah MUST be given the chance to roam free or things could get ugly…a Leah divided against itself cannot stand!!   

All hyperbole aside, there is no denying that the time has come to hunker down and get to work, both literally and figuratively.  I haven’t the trust fund nor the liver to continue down this path.  I am a - gulp - grown ass woman who needs to start acting like a grown ass woman!  And yes, that does include having fun and going out and being social, but in a grown ass woman kind of way…not like a teenaged girl with a credit card, push-up bra and daddy issues. 

And so…

It may not be elegant or thoughtful, and most academics would cringe to call it a treatise, but hear me now - I WILL rock Hot Man Diet like a freaking superstar!  I WILL start doing something, anything!, about my career!  (Do ya’ll even know that I want to be an actress?)  Last but not least, I WILL be more focused on those two goals than I will be on partying and drinking and socializing!  I WILL BECAUSE I WILL IT!  I WILL take your breath away…so keep on coming back, kids, keep checking in!  The ascension begins…

When was the last time you got to watch someone become the self they’ve always dreamt they’d be?! 

Hot Manspiration of the Week:  Ahh, James Blake.  What a freaking tough loss, dude!  You should have had that match!  You should have advanced!  I saw the first hour - you were in rare form, speedy and light, razor sharp and lithe, aggressive and precise.Hot Man James Blake  What happened?! 

You are the perfect Hot Manspiration for me this week - you are talent and Hotness that must continually fight to stay ahead…you cannot rest on your laurels, else you lose your position, your rank…and the losses, while rough, never stop you on your journey, but instead make the wins that much sweeter…I can learn much from you, James Blake.  This was a rough Labor Day for us both, but it need not be the end of the story…it CANNOT be the end of the story…there is much more to tell, much more to do, much more to learn, MUCH more to accomplish…and we shall do it, shan’t we?  We shall!

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