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Jul 02
A Hotness of One’s Own Posted by Leah

Week 5: down 0 pounds (- 12.5 total!)  I figured this would be my first week with no weight loss.  After last week’s impressive showing, this doesn’t surprise me in the least.  But it MIGHT have been avoided - I think there were a few days there where I didn’t have ANY fruits and/or vegetables!  I know, I know, that is very poor form, but I’m already prepared to mend my cheating ways.  I’m going to imagine that it is George Clooney feeding me those grapes and carrots, one by one, from his hands to my lips…I need more grapes!  I need more carrots!  I need more George!

Many of you guys might remember that in my very first post, The Hotness Begins…, I mentioned the fact that I live in Los Angeles.  I cannot tell you how huge a role this city has played in my life.  And in taking a moment to speak about my own oft-questioned (by me, anyway) Hotness, I must needs bring up the impact of living in the City of Angels. 

Los Angeles is full of incredibly well built, exceptionally good looking women.  I do not believe that I am one of them.  I am not trying to be coy or self-deprecating here, I am just trying to call a spade a spade, and this spade says that she just don’t feel so pretty lately.  I mean, this isn’t entirely unusual.  No woman that I know ever feels like she’s a bona fide 10 all of the time, and this list includes several women who are incredibly well built and exceptionally good looking.  So maybe I should chalk it up to hormones (damn ye, HMD Foe #2!) or just an emotional slump in general.  Maybe I’m just concentrating so much on the Hotness of others that I’ve not noticed my own.  In any case, I’ve been feeling invisible to men lately.  And that is hard, pun notwithstanding. 

We all of us want to feel desirable, no?  This brings to mind a quote from one of my Mostest Favoritest Plays Ever - Ntozake Shange’s for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf: ”I want you to know/this waz an experiment/to see how selfish i cd be…if i cd stand not being wanted/when I wanted to be wanted/& i cannot.”  And while I have taken this quote a bit out of context, I simply couldn’t resist a) introducing peeps to the exceptional work of Ms. Shange  and b) borrowing some of her brilliance to make my point.  We all want to be wanted!  We do!  And it is simply hard (again, pardon the pun) to catch some male attention in a city teeming, nay, overflowing with incredibly well built, exceptionally good looking women.  Of course, this is the reason I started HMD, because I recognized that as much as I am a “fun gal” with a “great personality” and a really good “sense of humor”, as much as I am ALL of these things and more, at the end of the day it don’t mean shit.  Eeeck, that sounded bitter!  Let’s try that again: at the end of the day, if those things don’t come nicely wrapped, that’ll be one gift that never really gets opened.  Or not opened often enough, if you know what I mean.  (Mom, I’m really talking about presents here, Christmas presents, birthday presents, those things in boxes covered in wrapping paper, really I am!…okay…I’m going to church now!)  

This would typically be the point where I would sum things up with an insightful, eloquent bit of wisdom, where I would illuminate the lessons learned from this quandry and look forward with a hopeful eye on the future.  But…I can’t.  This is simply one of those things that comes with being a woman who lives in Los Angeles. 

Besides, ”I’ve got a long way to go, but with Hot Man Diet on my side, I’ll make it!”  Yeah, that’s right.  I quoted myself.  You got something to say about it? 

I didn’t think so!

Hot Manspiration of the Week: Clive Owen.  Hubba hubba.  I watched Children of Hot Man Clive OwenMen Tuesday evening and am STILL thinking of this Hot Man.  I remember when I saw him the first time, years ago, when a friend dragged me to a random Friday night viewing of Croupier.  I was hooked then, even though he was young and rough around the edges and, unfortunately, blond for most of the movie (and I usually like blonds, but it does NOT work on him!).  Now he’s aged like a fine wine, ’cause that Man is UNDENIABLY HOT!!  Even Lancome agrees.  So does J. from Maine, who submitted Mr. Owen as his HMD Request and Dedication: “ I do have a man request.  I’m partial to the Brits.  I don’t know why.  Flawed but pretty I suppose.  Clive Owen, the new face of Lancome and the face to wake up to every morning and the most beautiful lips to whisper ‘You’re hot.  I’m hot.  Let’s do  it.’”  Yowza!  I like your style, J. from Maine, I like your style!!

Seeing as how today’s entry focused more on the dark side of Hotness, I’m gonna switch things up this week, lest I become That Girl, you know, That Girl That’s Always Complaining About Things When She Should Be Talking About Hot Men.  Instead of featuring a HMD Foe of the Week, I give you all a very special:

Hot Man Diet Friend of the Week: The first ever HMD Friend of the Week is Hot Man Djimon HounsouNetflix.  Thank God for Netflix.  It brings Hotness right into my house.  I love it!  How did I ever live without it?  Not only can I thank Netflix for bringing me Clive last week, I can thank it for the current Hotness sitting on my living room table, Blood Diamond.  (Question: Who will be next week’s Hot Manspiration - Leo DiCaprio or Djimon Hounsou?  Answer: BOTH!)  And I will be FOREVER in Netflix’s debt for introducing me to Daniel Craig, whom I instantly fell madly in love with after viewing Casino Royale and who is one third of my Original Trifecta of Hotness.  Also, it is the best Christmas gift (see Mom, I AM talking about presents!) that I ever gave my grandmother.  She’s obsessed with Doogie Howser, MD…but that’s a whole ‘nother Oprah… 

**** A Very Special Announcement ***** A Very Special Announcement ****

Hot Man Diet merchandise now available!!  Hot Man Diet merchandise now available!!  Order your items now at http://www.cafepress.com/HotManDiet.  And keep checking in - more items will be coming soon!! 

Week 6: down .5 pounds (- 13 total!)

Hello out there in HMD land!  And how does this week find us all?  Full of American spirit?  Independent and free?  Or still completely confused about what the hell day it is?  (I’m the latter.) 

I am pleased to say that I have come out of last week’s temporary funk unharmed and unfazed.  For those of you truly interested, it was indeed HMD Foe #2 that had a sister down.  As the week went on I regained some of the stature and confidence befitting Her Hotness, and right now I am feeling mighty good.  I must be looking mighty good, too, because I had a most interesting encounter on Saturday.  I go walking anywhere from three to five times a week for exercise (I don’t do gyms!) through my neighborhood, a seriously intense 3 mile trek that keeps me honest, if you know what I mean.  I am usually accompanied by a very good friend, but on this particular day it was just me and my iPod.  Anyhoo, as I am on the first leg of my journey I spied a Hot Man coming out of a nearby apartment building.  We made very brief eye contact, as I am lately prone to staring down all Hot Men (in the name of research, of course!).  I kept walking.  Next thing I know, a car pulls up beside me, the windows roll down, and Hot Man is asking me out!  I was stunned!  I mean, it was late in the afternoon, I hadn’t showered, my hair was jacked up, I was wearing a beat up t-shirt and very old, very baggy pants that I later discovered had a huge hole in the crotch.  I did not look anywhere NEAR my best, but there he was, seeing something that he liked.  And the confidence that had been brewing all week, stirring in me and coming alive again after a short departure, it burst forth like a tidal wave.  I was HOT!  Hole in the crotch and all.  Hot!

Oh…and I DID give him my number and I WILL go on a date with him.  Don’t worry…he totally didn’t look like a murderer!

Please don’t get me wrong - in NO WAY do I think that I am only Hot if and when someone else says I am.  No way!  I’m just saying that the attention was nice, especially considering that I began the week feeling seriously off my game.  That’s all. 

And who doesn’t want a Hot Man to buy ‘em dinner (and maybe give ‘em a smooch or two)?!

Hot Manspiration of the Week: Oh Leo.  Leo, Leo, Leo.  Leo, Not Yet Hot Man Leo DiCaprioI must admit that in the beginning, I was not your biggest fan.  Back in the days of Jack and Rose, when all of the female world swooned at your feet, I didn’t get it.  My best friend got it, oh, she got it hard, LOVED you and thought you were the best thing since sliced bread.  Even my grandmother got in on the act, proudly presenting the Christmas gift she had bought me - a huge, three wick candle that played an instrumental version of My Heart Will Go On when lit.  But I still didn’t get it.  You were too pretty.  Too small, too cute, just so very…wee.  I resented you your career, because I was still too pissed about River’s death to accept you as his heir apparent.   But then…well…you grew up and grew Hot.  When did that even happen?!  I saw you in Catch Me If You Can and I thought you were okay, but still kind of lanky and young.  I saw you in The Aviator and you lost me a bit, as everyone else in that film looked a good decade older than you.  I didn’t buy it.  But…somewhere between that film and The Departed you seriously filled out.  You got a little rough around the edges.  Your chestal area took on a heretofore unseen depth and definition.  I was stunned by your Hotness!  I mean, your acting was great and the movie was great, but your Hotness took my breath away!  And watching Blood Diamond this week, I mean, again there you were looking like…like…like a Man, finally, and a seriously Hot Man at that!  Alls I can say is damn…damn!  I don’t know what you did, but it worked.  Leonardo DiCaprio, you’re my Hot Manspiration of the Week!

Hot man Leo DiCaprio

Hot Man Diet Foe of the Week:  Vegetables.  Not in the sense that they are bad for me, just in the sense that I find it extremely difficult to eat as many as I’m supposed to.  I mean, I like veggies, I really do.  But let’s face it - they are high maintenance, elusive sons of bitches.  They require cooking, which requires grocery shopping, which requires planning, which requires time - NONE of which I have/do in abundance these days.  But I say this now, before God and all of you dear HMD’ers - this week I WILL eat 3 - 5 servings of vegetables EVERYDAY!  I’m throwing down the gauntlet and issuing the challenge to myself.  Hold me to it, HMD’ers.  Hold me to it!

Jul 16
The Elimination of a Foe Posted by Leah

Week 7: down 0 pounds (- 13 total!)  Last week I issued myself a challenge to eat more vegetables…let’s just say I’ll be doing the same again this week.  It was hard, ya’ll!

Hello HMD’ers!  I hope you all enjoyed what was my most prolific week yet.  I was a lean, mean writing machine, eh?  ‘Tis what happens when Hot Manspirations abound, ’tis what happens. 

Well, HMD’ers, I am thrilled to announce the elimination of HMD Foe #1 from my life - I no longer work in an office!  I have finally freed myself from the trappings of a 9 to 5 existence in a stifling, flourescently lit, sit on your ass and watch it spread, oh and of course today is somebody’s birthday so here are ten cakes for you to eat and never work off because when you leave here all you’ll want to do is sit some more and drink ten cocktails because your soul is SLOWLY DYING office environment. 

Can you tell that I feel very strongly about this?

Let me be totally cereal here - I started off this year at rock bottom.  For reals.  I rang in the new year standing in the rain in NYC, sopping wet and hysterically sobbing because I DID NOT want to come back to LA.  I knew at that point something had to give.  I had to find my way back to my own personal happiness, and the first thing that HAD to go was my job.  I turned in my resignation right after MLK Day (let freedom ring!) and went back to a temp job I had a few years ago.  I was surprised to find how quickly that job also got under my skin, particularly since the people are lovely, honestly, some of the best peeps I’ve ever met.  But even that didn’t work for me, as these lovely peeps were constantly flooding the office with food for occasions both real (birthdays, a gajillion freaking birthdays) and made-up (”Snackfest 2007″ was an odious turn of events).  Again, I knew the job had to go. 

I now work as a personal assistant for a friend that owns a few businesses in Long Beach.  I spend my days in shorts, tees and flip-flops, running errands all over town.  I make juuussst enough money to live, yet I am as happy as a clam.  I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, both literally and figuratively.  I am now free to pursue the things I needs must pursue.  I have eliminated a foe and in doing so I have reclaimed my happiness, reclaimed a bit of myself that had been lost.  And that feels, pardon my language, fucking great!

I guess now it is time to tackle HMD Foe #2 - hormones.  Umm…color me stumped.

Hot Manspirations of the Week:  To paraphrase Godspell - I’ve had SO many men this week, in very many ways…there’s just one more.  George Clooney! 

Hot Man George clooney

In addition to all of the baseball Hotness, this week has featured extraordinarily helpful cameos by both Daniel Craig and Derek Jeter. How, HOW then could I ignore the third member of my Original Trifecta of Hotness?!  Not when he is so debonair, so disarmingly charming, so very…HOT!  Here’s to George Clooney, Daniel Craig and the 2007 All-Star Hotness Team - my Hot Manspirations of the Week!     

HMD Foe of the Week:  Me!!  I know, I know, you’re sitting there thinking “What the eff?”  But I must stand up and face the facts - I am someone else’s Diet Saboteur!  You see, whilst I have made many changes in my life since starting HMD, I have yet to really curb my enthusiasm for the hooch.  I am pleased as punch (spiked, of course!) that this has not completely thwarted my weight loss efforts…yet.  Alas, the same cannot be said for a good friend of mine.  And seeing as how this friend is some serious good times, good times, I regularly call on her for Friday night Happy Hour-ing, oftentimes using some old-fashioned peer pressure to get her to join me.  Bad Leah!  This is very, very bad form from someone committed to helping everyone achieve the Hotness within…I am sorely ashamed and will flog myself post-haste…

Jul 23

We interrupt our regularly scheduled weigh-in to bring you…this…

Hey ya’ll.  How are things out there in HMD land?  As you can see, I am not weighing in this week.  I am not even going to step on the scale.  Why?  Because…well…because this was not a good week, and I do not want to derail my efforts with a blow to the ego.  The following is a list of things that ALL apparently taste better than a Hot Man feels (at least they did this past week):

Cheeseburger and fries

Margarita

Bear Claw

Margarita

Pizza

Margarita

1/2 bottle Chianti

Margarita

Taco Bell

Margarita

Creme brulee (this one actually is actually a contender…one could raise a relatively persuasive argument that creme brulee does indeed taste better than a Hot Man feels…maybe)

Margarita

So let’s examine the facts: it has been 8 plus weeks that I have been on Hot Man Diet.  I have lost 13 pounds total (assuming, of course, that the margaritas listed above have not permanently affixed themselves to my hips, as they are often wont to do).  One cannot argue that my pursuits thus far have been successful.  I’ve been lucky and grateful to have achieved this success with just a few lifestyle changes here and there.  But the time has come to up the ante.  Buckle down.  Focus.  Gird myself for the battle to come.  It is time to really absorb the message I myself created - nothing tastes as good as a Hot Man feels!  To put it coarsely - it’s time to shit or get off the pot.  Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get to shitting!! 

I’ve got my veggie challenge still in play, I am going to slowly unwrap myself from the ever-present clutch of the hooch, I’m gonna make sure the exercise stays just as consistent and intense, and I will THINK before I put anything in my mouth - will eating this help me get a Hot Man?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - if the answer to that question is no, I WON’T EAT IT!!

And now…ammunition!  One cannot go into battle unarmed.  And so this week, in thinking about what it was I needed in terms of Hot Manspiration, I came up with a new Trifecta of Hotness.  This Trifecta is a bit more complex than my OTH, because it is broken down by category of Hotness.  To wit, there are three main components of effective Hot Manspiration - talent, strength (of character, although physical strength is always a plus) and eye candy-ness.  The three men that I have chosen each exemplify one of these traits.  Together, they make a formidable weapon against any tempting foodstuffs.  I give you my Hot Manspirations of the Week I Get Back On Track:

Talent:  Savion Glover

Hot Man Savion GloverI had the pleasure of spending last night at the Hollywood Bowl with some dee-lightful friends watching this dee-lightful hoofer tap dance his way into my heart…again.  Savion Glover’s talents are unreal.  Bring in ‘da Noise, Bring in ‘da Funk is STILL one of the best shows I have EVER seen on Broadway and remains one of the few times I’ve seen my mother smile for two hours straight!  (The other time was my college graduation, the next time will be my wedding, that’s right she loves me and ONLY ME, not my brother or my niece, just ME!!!)  I cannot articulate the kind of unabashed joy that was on Mr. Glover’s face the entire time he danced.  I can only hope to some day achieve that same kind of professional happiness.  If you ever get the opportunity to see this man in action, DON’T TURN IT DOWN!  You will sorely regret it, almost as much as I regret that hour I wasted yesterday morning watching the E! True Hollywood Story of Full House (it sucked me in!).  Have mercy, indeed.

Strength:  Kyle Chandler

Please don’t tell me you don’t know who this man is.  Please don’t.  You wanna know who Hot Man Kyle Chandlerhe is?  He’s my future husband, that’s who he is!  Kyle Chandler, Coach Taylor on Friday Night Lights and sometimes better known as that dude who was pissy with Meredith and then got blown up by that bomb on Grey’s Anatomy, is the epitome of strength, aka solid support, aka a man who looks like he drinks milk and loves his mother and has set foot in a church once or twice and can fix things.  He is the man that my best friend Ann and I fight over when we’re not fighting over Derek Jeter.  Her: “Coach Taylor is a solid, somewhat bearish, provocative, and noble man.  He is to be my husband.  Yes?  Isn’t this who you said I would one day marry?  I mean, he represents the type you see me ending up with, is that not so?  Or am I being too hopeful?  Too optimistic that you could see such a hunk as my huzz.  Please don’t say that I am remembering incorrectly and that you had in actuality mentally partnered me with the guy from JAG. God.”  Me: “I have always suspected that you would end up with a Coach Taylor, and I have always been secretly jealous of that fact.  I WANT to end up with a Coach Taylor, but I do not think such a quiet, taciturn man and I would get along in real life.  He would think me too much, I would think him too boring.  Although I’m sure such a man drinks milk, and you KNOW how I feel about men who drink milk!”

Eye Candy-ness:  Paul Walker

Hot Man Paul WalkerPaul Walker has been my secret guilty pleasure for many years now.  I have hearted him on the DL for quite some time, as he is not the type of man that anyone over the age of sixteen should EVER admit to desiring.  (I’m also developing a secret crush on that Zac Efron from High School Musical and Hairspray, which is BAD!  He’s all of 19 and that’s BAD!  I suspect my 10 year old niece might also have a crush on him and that’s SO BAD of me!)  But ya’ll - Paul Walker moves me.  I’ve never seen any of his movies, save for Pleasantville, but whenever his visage comes across my television screen I stop and send a little thank you to the Big Man upstairs for creating such a wonder.  He’s beautiful!  The downfall - I suspect that the telephone conversation Mr. Walker is having in that picture is peppered with “dudes” and makes several references to a) the workout session he has either just left or is going to, b) the Jessicas he was worked with/slept with/dated, c) that brother road trip comedy he’s been trying to convince Matthew McConaughey to do for, like, EVER and d) a debate between spending the evening at Hyde or flying to the Palms for that VIP Pussycat Dolls concert (he’ll ultimately do both).  NOTE TO PAUL WALKER:  If you are reading this (and why wouldn’t you be reading this?!) and would like to prove me wrong, feel free to email me at herhotness@hotmandiet.com.  We can totally do lunch or get coffee or whatevs and you can tell me how deep and serious and intense you are while I plot to get you topless.  I’d be totally into it!   

So HMD’ers, I resolve to get back on track.  No more bumps in the road for this lovely lady.  I’m back on the wagon and ready to ride!

It is almost here!  It is almost time!  Hot Man Diet Requests and Dedications - July…coming SOON!!!  Stay tuned!

Week 9:  down 4.5 pounds (-17.5 total!) Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap!!

Hello HMD’ers!  I am indeed back on track…but I’m SICK ya’ll!  I think I’ve caught the bug that’s been going around lately, so today’s Weekly Speak will be finished whenever I can sit upright for more than 30 seconds straight. 

To be continued…

Here I am!  SO SORRY for the short message.  You’ll all be happy to know that the demons that took over my body have been exorcised and are gone.  Summer sick sucks!

Where did I leave off?  Oh yeah - holy crap, holy crap, holy crap!!  I had a GREAT week.  I’ll be honest with you guys, this is one of the most successful weight loss endeavors I have ever undertaken.  Sure, there have been a few weeks (and there will probably be Hot Man Gerard Butlermore in the future, I’m sure) where I didn’t lose anything.  But not once have I gained!  That is a BIG accomplishment.  So, I’m patting myself on the back…if only Gerard Butler were here to do that for me…

…sigh…

But to be for reals for a minute, I have to say that I am so thankful for Hot Man Diet.  It has helped bring so many things into focus for me, not only food and weight-wise, but the creative outlet has had a HUGE impact on my psyche and personal happiness.  This funny little idea I had one day in a fit of rage and sexual frustration (sorry Mom!) has dramatically changed my life.  Improved my life.  Saved my life.  So thank you, HMD’ers, for being there and listening and for loving these Hot Men as much as I do!  And to all you Hot Manspirations out there in the world, listen up - I’m back on track and on my way to Hotness.  You better get ready, cause I’m gonna be ON FIRE!!  (P.S.  I recommend stretching…a lot!  I’m VERY flexible.)

Hot Manspirations of the Week:  I don’t think we’ve had a week this Hot since the All-Star break.  And I think I’ve raved enough about my newest Hot Manspiration, Monsieur Butler.  Thanks to Netflix, he and I will have several chances to get acquainted Hot Man Paul Walkerover the next week. (And a shout out to E. in Pasadena for recommending her favorite Gerard Butler film…it will be the first film of his that I will see and he’ll be in full Scottish lilt.  Lovely!)  I have also heard from many HMD’ers who share my now not-so-secret crush on Paul Walker.  NOTE TO PAUL WALKER:  Paul, I don’t know who your reps are or what agency you’re with, but let me tell you something - you have fans!  Not teenybopper, Freddie Prinze, Jr. fans.  No.  Women love you.  Grown ass, adult women adore you.  But we refuse to see the crap you’ve been in.  Do yourself a favor - follow Ryan Gosling around.  The next part he turns down, take it!  Don’t hesitate, don’t think about it, just take the damn project.  Even the bad movies he’s been making are better than what you’ve been doing.  Please, do this for us, do this for yourself.  Let us love you out loud!  No more secrets, Paul, no more secrets! 

Hot Man Diet Foe of the Week:  Hot Bartenders.  Oh, you know who you are, all you Hot Bartenders out there, using your smiles and your wiles to get us to buy “just one more round” and then the next time we look up we’re six drinks in, falling off our stools and still trying to get your number.  It’s not fair!  Damn you, Hot Bartenders, I am at your mercy…use me, abuse me, confuse me, choose me!, cruise me, peruse me, excuse me, booze me, enthuse me, but most importantly, NEVER refuse me!

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