Week 11: …
I know. I know, I know, I know, I KNOW! I kinda suck. I came back and made all kinds of promises and said all kinds of “we WILL finish it this time!” and blew all kinds of smoke and whatnot in your face…only to completely fall back into the exact same patterns as before. Old habits are a bitch. They stick around like cockroaches, like freaking death defying cockroaches! Now we haven’t checked in since Halloween and you’re probably/maybe/hopefully not over it and I am pissed at myself for both making and breaking this promise again. Good times. And today I was all poised to yet again let another week slip away entry-less, to go off into the weekend burdened with quiet shame and disappointment in myself. I may not be curing cancer here, but dammit if I can’t reconcile myself to the fact that this is important to me!!! And because it is important to me it hurts when I ignore it. It festers in my mind and heart and just makes me feel bad. I am OVER feeling bad. It kinda sucks.
Here’s where we stand - the last time I stepped on the scale was November 7th, what would have officially been Week 9. I was up .6 pounds. Not a huge deal. Nothing that can’t be fixed with a modicum of effort. Something I should have have been able to easily write about. But I didn’t want to. I have no idea why, I just DID NOT feel like writing that day. So I said to myself, fine, if you don’t want to write don’t write. This is your blog, after all. You don’t owe anyone anything. Go ahead about your business and write when you feel like writing. This is your journey. You decide how fast or how slow it goes.
And that would have been fine if, say, I had not used these same kind of Jedi mind tricks my entire life to avoid all manner of responsibility and accountability. And it also would have been fine if, say, the lack of HMD focus didn’t lead to a week of crazy, unbridled, idiotic eating. Like all of a sudden I wasn’t AT ALL trying to lose weight or be healthy (or even sane). So of course, OF COURSE, the last thing I wanted to do November 14th (aka Week 10) was get anywhere near a scale or, even worse, this blog. Right when I needed it the most, Hot Man Diet was the thing I wanted to do the least. Such weird, perverted thinking!! Self-destruction at its best. An old habit of mine that will not go away. So frustrating! BLARGH!!!!
Then today I got a picture on my phone of a beautiful little girl who made her first appearance in this world just one week ago and I remembered - baby steps. True change comes from a combination of big, brave leaps of faith and necessary, difficult baby steps. This entry is one of the latter. I have no news to report as I did not weigh in this morning (does one ever step on the scale when the previous night’s dessert was homemade creme brulee?), but I am HERE. And for right now, here will have to be good enough.
Please know that I am trying. It is hard, this business of change. But I am trying. I promise to be here next Friday and I promise to weigh in…on Thursday morning. As much as one should not weigh in after creme brulee one should DEFINITELY not weigh in the morning after Thanksgiving!! I will weigh myself Thursday morning and then I will be off to do my Turkey Trot 5k!!
I give thanks for you all, for your continued support, and for coming back next week. It will be worth it, I promise! I am resurrecting an old favorite - Hot Man Diet Requests and Dedications is baaaaaaaaccccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!