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Feb 27

Do you see it?  Come closer.  Can you see it now?  It is a slate.  She’s holding a slate.  Oh, and what’s that she’s doing?  What?!  Oh no she didn’t!  She wiped it clean.  She wiped it clean…

HEY KIDS!!!!!!!! 

So, so, so totally unfair for me to show up for the first time in, what, like a gajillion months and then just calmly swoop in and wipe a slate clean and not at all explain what’s happened, where I’ve been, etc, etc, etc.  SO totally unfair!  But it’s my BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!  Her Hotness is having a birthday!  And there are parties to tend to and Oscars to attend to and champagne to lend to my mouth and my innards and I’m stoked because it’s the Dirrrrrty Thirrrrty Seven and I feel GREAT and a month ago I wouldn’t have imagined I would feel this great would never have imagined it because everything was opposite quite the opposite but I feel effing MAN-tastic!!  So grab a glass of bubbles - I’m holding one, too - and let’s raise a cheer to 37 years of blooming in the noise of the whirlwind, to family and friends stepping up and swooping in when Her Hotness needed them most, to Anne Hathaway not annoying me too much during this evening’s festivities (she bugs, what can I say?)  But most of all let us toast to life, to love, and to NEW ENDEAVORS!!!  For Her Hotness has a new endeavor to endeavor…but more on that later…

Perhaps I should tell you all about the Great Fall of 2010?  Yes, I fear I must.  For it is in the telling that I will be able to truly let it go.  It will become but a mere story between friends, an anecdote to be happened upon years from now over coffee or wine, a trifling mistake made possible by the ignorance of youth.  Kids, the last time we spoke you will recall I was firmly ensconced in the home of my then RLHM, Real Life Hot Man.  Aaah, kids…as a wise prostitute once said, “big mistake.  Big.  HUGE.”  It was a Hot Mess from the get go.  No need for excessive details but suffice it to say the beginning of 2011 found me homeless, jobless, and manless.  There’s more.  I was also moneyless and confidenceless, two of the toughest things to ever face down individually, let alone in tandem.  Good times, good times.  So when I call it the Great Fall of 2010 I mean it both seasonally and verb-ularly.  It was the fall of my falling.  My failing.  My flailing.  But now is the winter of my discontent about to be made glorious summer…

Kids, if I could make a wish for you all it would be that you, too, had a Secret Weapon.  I have one, thank god I have one, and when the fall of my falling, failing, flailing occurred and I found myself bereft of home, I so luckily landed in the belly of the beast, so to speak.  When one is homeless and confidenceless, one needs a Secret Weapon.  I have one, thank god I have one, and it was her home I ran to when all was tossed and torn.  She took me in, stood me up, dusted me off and righted the wrongs of the Great Fall.  Ah kids, you should see me!  As I type this I feel searing pain in muscles I once had and now have again, I am having a special birthday morning workout because let’s face it - Dirrrty Thirrrty Seven requires a bit more maintenance, a lil more upkeep, a tad more pruning.  If you have to have a Great Fall of 2010, you must also make sure you have a Secret Weapon.  I have one.  Thank God I have one!   

So…what’s next on the agenda for Her Hotness?  Such wonderful things!!!!  Like I said, there is a new endeavor to endeavor…I can’t say too much right now…but it’s going to be awesome and great and so much fun…new things to talk about, new things to do…and so maybe Hot Manspiration takes a bit of a break…just a bit…because when one is Dirrrty Thirrrty Seven one realizes the truth of the matter…the absolute truth of the matter…Nothing tastes as good as a Hot ME feels!

A new journey.  The same Hotness.  Wanna join me?!  Next week is going to bring some MAJOR  changes…

Nov 08
Up In The Air Posted by Leah

Hola chicas!  I hope this Monday morning finds you all well, full of vim and vigor and ready for the coming week.  And I hope you had a Mantastic weekend!  I did.  No blood curdling screams from SoCal, no indeed.  Actorfest was informative and inspirational, and my mind, body and soul are now itching to act, act, ACT!  Oh kiddies, what fun we’re going to have these next few months!  We’re going to make me a star!!  (If it kills us!!!) 

But first, we travel.  Ahh yes, as you read this entry I am on some plane flying far away, far, far away (South Carolina, to be axact).  Gonna meet up with one of my nearest and dearest friends and introduce myself to her darling baby boy.  This week’s Hot Manspiration is just a hair over 10 months old.  I am so excited!  Sometimes there is nothing so lovely as burying your face in baby cheeks and baby hands and baby smile and baby belly, baby smell wafting over you with all it’s sweet innocence.  Good times, good times…

And so I bid you all a fond adieu.  I will not be back until this time next Monday, weigh-in in tow (gotta keep me honest!).  Have a wonderful week, everyone!!!  Of course, I leave you with some lovely Mancandy.  Speaking of babies…

Hot Manspiration of the Week:  Due Date finally opened this past weekend, thus (hopefully) ending the onslaught of television ads promoting the shit out of this flick.  Did they freaking sponsor the entire World Series?  Cause those commercials were on ALL THE TIME.  I almost don’t even wanna see the movie now.  Almost.  Lucky for them, Robert Downey Jr is just too Hot to pass up.  Yum!

Hot Man Robert Downey Jr.

Nov 05
Big and Hot Posted by Leah

Weekly Hot-o-Meter Reading:  clear with a “phew” and a “thank god that blasted holiday is over” showing of 0 lbs lost (-22 pounds total!)

…effing Halloween candy and it’s effing bewitching chocolatey spell…

My chitlins, how does this Friday afternoon find ya’ll?  Ready for some good times this weekend?  I am!  I’ve shaken off my Monday morning malaise and am bright eyed and bushy tailed.  Going to this thing called Actorfest tomorrow.  It’s a convention-esque thingie for actors - casting director meet and greets, info sessions, stuff like that.  I will be in downtown LA all day, soaking up information like a mo fo.  My fear, of course, is that I will be surrounded by twentysomething idiots preening to be noticed by the - gasp! - VH1 casting people that are in the hunt for some Hot new talent.  Actually, that could be good.  At least then I would stand out.  And I could corner all the serious theater geeks running Meisner workshops and make them want me.  Yeah, that could work.  Because let’s face it, my ACTUAL fear is that no one will notice me at all, I will blend into the masses and become so much wallpaper, and even if I do manage to get some attention all face time will be limited to some casting director looking me up and down and screaming “no, no, NO!  What the hell am I supposed to do with YOU?!  You confuse me, I wouldn’t know how to cast you, you are far too hard, now please get out of my way so I can scour that VH1 casting booth for some Hot new talent, reality show, reality show, blah blah, blah blah, someone find me the next Kim Kardashian!” 

That’s my actual fear.  If tomorrow at some point you hear a shriek, a high-pitched blend of soul crushing pain and open, gaping wounds full of molten lava and dying dreams, you will know my fear has come true.  In which case, find me!  Find me and bring me a margarita.

Anyhoo, I had the weirdest dream last night.  This dude that I used to work with a few years ago, back when I was totally rocking HMD and had lost quite a bit of weight, this dude was with some chick and they were watching me from afar.  And my dream was totally doing this third person omniscient point of view, allowing me to hear everything they were saying about me even though they were having a completely separate conversation.  So this dude I used to work with was taken aback by my appearance.  He was shocked to see I had gained so much weight.  And here is EXACTLY what he said (in my dream) - “Wow, she’s big.  But she’s still Hot.” 

Huh.

I kinda…like it.  I am big.  But I am HOT!  My hair is big.  But it is HOT!  My ass is big.  But it is HOT!  Talent and Ambition are big.  But they are HOT!  My personality is big.  But it is HOT!

My heart is big.  AND it is Hot!

 Hot Man Kerry Rhodes

And so this weekend’s shot o’Hotness is NFL player Kerry Rhodes, who plays some position for some team somewhere.  That might seem unfair, I’m sure he’s EXCELLENT at what he does, but for our purposes right here right now all that matters is that he is Big and Hot. 

Just like me.

Nov 01
One of Those Mornings Posted by Leah

Did you ever have one of those mornings where things just didn’t feel right?

You know, one of those mornings where you wake up feeling off?  Askew?  Not 100% percent?  And not physically, I’m not talking physically because physically you’re well, not great but just…you know…well…well okay, not perfect, especially since you woke up in the middle of the night with violent stomach pains…violent stomach pains brought on from candy, blasted candy, mothertrucking Halloween candy and a weekend’s worth of craptacular eating…blasted Halloween…but even this, even waking up in the middle of the night from mothertrucking Halloween candy cramps, even this you know is not really your problem…your issue…the cause of your off-ness…no, there’s something more…and it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t make sense because you have so much to by happy about…you didn’t have to rip yourself out of bed to go to some job that you hate…no, you didn’t have to do that and that is GREAT, that’s a fantastic thing but there’s still some…dissatisfaction…and it has nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with you and are you living your best life probably not definitely not but hey look you’ve written regularly and lost 2.5 pounds in two weeks and that’s something, that’s good news, that’s a step in the right direction, right…but you know, you know, you know that when you’re really working it, rocking it, feeling it you can lose 2.5 pounds in one week, less than one week, but there you go again…why so negative…why this pressure to be perfect…perfect…oh and let’s not forget you STILL haven’t done Shakespeare in England or had a baby or been to Barcelona, why not, why, why, why…but why ask why when actions are needed, actions not thoughts, thoughts are bad but movement, movement tends to be good, right…and so you try to get these thoughts out of your head before you sit down to write because the Hotness, the Hotness is what they’re here for, not the angst, not the Monday morning malaise, but you can’t shake it, you took the Hot Dog for a quick lap and even though it is beautiful outside, perfect fall weather, perfect, you can’t shake it and so you’re like oh well, guess this is what they’re gonna get today, that’s the beauty of a blog, it is whatever I say it is and today it is just…off…just like me…

Did you ever have one of those mornings?

Oct 29
Halloween Mancandy Posted by Leah

Weekly Hot-o-Meter Reading:  increasingly sunny skies with a loss of 1 pound (down 22 pounds total!)

Hello my beauties!  TGIF!  And Happy Halloween!  Are all you ghouls and goblins ready to party down this weekend?  I am!  Got a ‘lil soiree to attend tomorrow evening, looking forward to it.  My costume is all ready, the RLHM (Real Life Hot Man) has a costume all ready, even the Hot Dog is all ready for his first Halloween!  He’s going to be a pumpkin!!  He is so freaking, stinking cute in that costume…I can’t even handle it!  I swear, I love that pup so much I could spit!!  (I’ll try to get a pic of him dresssed up for you guys.  I promise.)

Anyhoo…not too terribly much going on here in Hotville.  Did ya’ll enjoy your shitload of Hotness?!  I hope so.  I am surprised you guys were so quiet.  I thought I’d get a ton more comments, what with all that Hot Manspiration floating around.  Are you out there?  Can anybody hear me?  Hellooooo???!!!!

But since Tuesday’s Mancandy parade was just a hair too white (even for my standards), I want to leave ya’ll with some chocolate Manificence to help you resist all the chocolate craptacularness that will be flowing this weekend.  Especially anyone with kids.  Drinko de Mayo notwithstanding, Halloween might just be the Hot Man Diet’s biggest Holiday Foe of them all.  It’s just candy.  Pure candy.  Nothing but candy.  Well, candy AND alcohol.  OMFG!  We need some Manspiration…

…and that’s where Boris Kodjoe comes in.  Boris Kodjoe can come in whenever he wants.  Hell, Boris Kodjoe can come in wherever he wants!!  Are you gonna turn that Manificence away?!  I didn’t think so.   Someone up in heaven kindly put him on our tv weekly, in the show Undercovers.  Someone in hell (okay, the Nielsen ratings) is trying to take him off air.  Don’t let them!  NBC doesn’t have much brown sugar to spare…we have to fight for the Hot!  WATCH UNDERCOVERS!!!!  It’ll be the Hottest hour of your week.  Word.

Hot Man Boris Kodjoe

Lastly, I bring you a very different kind of Hot Manspiration.  Ya’ll, I love me some Tracey Morgan! I have loved him ever since Brian Fellows first graced the stages of SNL.  A lot of people disagreed with me.  They found him weird and off-putting.  And then 30 Rock came along, and Tina Fey found in Tracey Morgan the PERFECT vehicle for her wild, rambling, completely wackadoo sense of humor.  He is oftentimes the best thing about a show that is full of best things.  This moment below, his performance of “Werewolf Bar Mitzvah”, STILL makes me howl with laughter!  And so it is that I leave you this Halloween weekend with a hilarious bit of Hot Chocolate, the kind of candy that won’t stick to your hips. 

Enjoy!

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